A Short Break Due to an Awesome Circumstance

Posted in Blog on March 22, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

It does what it says on the tin! Starting tomorrow, I’ll be helping someone make a documentary on my first (!) professional film job. I don’t feel I should say much about it since it’s ultimately not my doc, but I think it’ll help do some good. You can’t be a big fan of Atari Teenage Riot or System of a Down like I am and not be interested in this topic. Because of that, my head’s been more in documentarian mode than writer mode. I thought I could juggle both hats, but it’s better to find out now than when it’s dreadfully important.

The doc is pro bono, but it’ll get some major play in June. I see it as more of a calling card, though I’m amused at how my art path is taking me everywhere except directing narrative fiction. So far. I’ll take control at some point, but I always wanted to try my hand at documentaries. They use a completely different part of the brain than normal films. You’re essentially taking hundreds of hours of people talking randomly and making a story out of it. To a guy who likes order, that’s frightening. But I also enjoy a good challenge. If I come back more psychotic than usual, I couldn’t handle it.

In non-self-serving news, I finally bought a series that I thought would mean a lot to me, and I was right. Shopping for a garbage can at Walmart (which is really the only reason to go there [and happy accidents]), I wandered to the movie section. I can’t ever resist my Syren’s song. Unshocked by rows of disappointment, my outlook was violently flipped. There it was, top row and glowing, a boxset of Emma Peel’s run on the 60’s spy show, The Avengers. I’m not nearly old enough to have seen it on TV, but it’s one of those shows that’re always around (like Bewitched, or The Prisoner [“Be seeing you.”]). I had an inkling that I’d like it, so I told myself that I’d get it. Someday. And there it was. Fifty-one episodes. Twenty bucks. I’ve only gotten through six episodes, but it’s easily one of the best rides I’ve been on.

I also started going to burlesque shows again. I missed that world and got tired of hoping for free shows to come along. I’ve been following two shows (Wiggle Room and Kiss Kiss Cabaret) on Twitter for about a year now. They weren’t the ones that brought me back, though. The 1901 has been on my radar for years, but I never went to a show (Downtown Chicago parking is a ragetrap). Their… venue was shut down for a long time, but I got an e-mail last month saying that they were back and found a new place (Uptown Underground). I checked my wallet and bit the bullet. The first show was about films, so you know how I reacted. It was on the main stage of a place that’s, more or less, a speakeasy. One of the best performances was a dancer reenacting Mommie Dearest. And by reenacting, I meant that she was essentially screaming at wire hangers for five minutes. The last show’s theme was water and pirates. That took place in the backroom of the speakeasy. The performances were bookended with an X-rated version of The Little Mermaid. I’ll sing Part of Your World and Poor, Unfortunate Souls at the drop of a dime (both were reinterpreted awesomely), so you know how I reacted. A performance that stands out is a female pirate who was dying of thirst and found a… self-loving way to find water while Styx’s Come Sail Away played. There was also Peter Pansexual, and a water gun fight. If you couldn’t tell, The 1901 is more of an outsider than most burlesque groups, but I like that. I’ll start going to Wiggle Room and Kiss Kiss Cabaret shows next month and enjoy them awesomely in different ways, but I like the outside. Doesn’t hurt/help that my first show was with the SS-XXX troupe, where I saw a dancer use a grinder on herself and another one eat a baby. The way I described it to myself while waiting for the last show to start is that I’m more likely to hear Marilyn Manson at a normal burlesque show. Troupes like SS-XXX and The 1901 breed Marilyn Manson.

Why burlesque? Two reasons, really. One, unlike strippers (I’m not bashing them, I’m just pointing out differences), burlesque dancers are there for themselves and not you. Two, it’s a great showcase of sexuality in women. You see a HUGE variety of women who are comfortable with themselves and their bodies. Last night, I saw a dwarf and a big girl dance, and there were fantastic (the former had a leg up because she was dressed as Cthulhu [but the other did dance to Bj√∂rk…]). A lot of women have body image issues, which is a shame, so any woman who’s proud of her (im)perfections is ok with me. You’re beautiful, women, and punch anyone in the balls/box who says different. Figuratively, not literally. I don’t wanna be the cause of a groin-punching epidemic.

Daily Dialogue: Spice Up Your Life!

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Naomi
Are we really gonna listen to the Tank Girl soundtrack the entire way to the party?

Becca
Yessir! Puh-pow!

Naomi
How much more 90’s can you get than Lori Petty?

Becca
Check the glovebox.

Naomi
I don’t wanna.

Becca
Go on. Check it.

Naomi
…ho-lee shit.

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
How did you find this? Why did you find this?

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
I don’t know whether to hail you or feel sorry for you.

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
Stop saying “yup!”

Becca
‘Kay. But isn’t it awesome?

Naomi
It’s… It’s very it, Becca. It’s definitely very it.

Becca
You’re just jealous because you don’t have one.

Naomi
I’m fine with not having a Baby Spice doll.

Becca
What?

Naomi
I was more of a Sporty Spice girl.

Becca
You can get the fuck out of my car, heathen.

Naomi
Why? Sporty Spice was awesome. She was like their bodyguard. And she did that awesome song after they split up the first time.

Becca
She did music?

Naomi
Most of them did. Not everyone turned into David Beckham’s baby factory or Eddie Murphy’s mistress.

Becca
Wow. What songs did Baby Spice do?

Naomi
I told you, I was a Sporty Spice girl. You look up Emma Chisholm on your time.

Becca
I will. Oh yes, Precious, I will.

Naomi
I used to imagine being what I found out was kinda like a roadie for the Spice Girls.

Becca
“Kinda?”

Naomi
Yeah. I didn’t wanna do all the stage work or anything like that. I just wanted to hang out with them in hotel rooms.

Becca
With lots of room service?

Naomi
Nope. Just hanging. I think you turn here.

Becca
Whoops! Thanks. So, that’s kinda boring.

Naomi
I was 12, leave me alone.

Becca
Snore, snore, fart, snore.

Naomi
Ok, Madame Amazing. What did you wanna do with the Spice Girls?

Becca
Remember the video for “Spice Up Your Life?”

Naomi
When they were in a dystopic future, riding around in a mechanical zeppelin? Huh. Kinda reminds me of Blade Runner.

Becca
Yeah. That’s what I wanted to do with the Spice Girls.

Naomi
Be Blade Runner?

Becca
Heck yeah! How many more lights until I turn?

Naomi
Three.

Becca
Swell. Now put Baby Spice back in her hole before something happens to her and I have to bury a friend.

Naomi
Yessir. Wow, Spice Girls. I haven’t thought about them in forever.

Becca
Don’t get nostalgic on me. I hate nostalgia.

Naomi
Says the one with two relics from the 90’s in her car.

Becca
Hey. I always loved Tank Girl AND these songs. And I told myself to buy that doll again if I ever found it.

Naomi
“Again?” What happened to it the first time?

Becca
Rachel Martin.

Naomi
Uh… Who?

Becca
A bitch I knew in middle school who I hope has Space AIDS now.

Naomi
Space AIDS? How do you get Space AIDS?

Becca
You see Alien, Aliens, Alien3, or Alien Resurrection?

Naomi
You count Alien Resurrection?

Becca
Came in the box, so I gotta.

Naomi
Freddy’s Revenge came in the Nightmare on Elm St. box, but you don’t see me counting that.

Becca
I wouldn’t say that so close to Boystown.

Naomi
I don’t hate it because it’s a gay allegory. I hate it because it sucks.

Becca
Very poor choice of words. Anyway, you’re aware that the aliens in the Alien quadrilogy are sex metaphors, right?

Naomi
Yeah.

Becca
They took place in space, right?

Naomi
Sure.

Becca
Chestbursters are Space AIDS, and I hope Rachel Martin gets it. Do I take the on-ramp?

Naomi
No, keep straight. It’s the next one. What did Rachel do?

Becca
She cut my doll’s hair.

Naomi
Oh… Oh no.

Becca
Yeah.

Naomi
You don’t do that. Girls don’t do that.

Becca
See?

Naomi
Space AIDS. All in the chest.

Becca
Thankyouverymuch.

Naomi
Spice Girls or Backstreet Boys?

Becca
Unlike SOME women, I believe in solidarity in the sisterhood. Spice Girls for world domination.

Naomi
Backstreet Boys or N*Sync?

Becca
BSB.

Naomi
Really? Why?

Becca
The Call. That song is at the summit of my boy band mountain.

Naomi
Why that one?

Becca
Because I’m a whore for Spanish guitars. And it’s about a cheating man.

Naomi
Oh yeah, you were the one with the fetish for songs about that.

Becca
They’re awesome. And since I’ve got the gay, I can listen to such songs with diplomatic immunity. Ha ha. Ha ha. Hee.

Naomi
You know you’re gonna slip up someday and fall for a guy and he’s gonna be the personification of your song fetish.

Becca
Nope! The gay’s got me too good.

Naomi
Shane slept with a man once.

Becca
Leave The L Word out of this.

Naomi
Wasn’t it because of drinking or something? Gee, won’t there be drinking or something at the party?

Becca
I will NOT allow you to continue using The L Word for your blasphemy!

Naomi
Ok, ok… But she did do it.

Becca
NINETIES NINETIES NINETIES NINETIES!!

Naomi
I miss Salute Your Shorts.

Becca
I do, too.

Naomi
You miss Dina Alexander.

Becca
I do.

Naomi
You know you’d punch her in the face if you ever met her in real life because she’s too vapid.

Becca
Both fists. Puh-pow!

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy in “Hearts Filthy Lesson”

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Ivy
Get off the ledge, Harley.

Harley
I don’t wanna.

Ivy
Well, I don’t want you to, you’re making me nervous.

Harley
Sorry for making ya so, Red, but I’m gonna stay here for a while.

Ivy
Why?

Harley
I always do this when I miss him.

Ivy
When you miss who? Him? Him?! You’re contemplating suicide for him?! Harleen Quinzel, get off that damn ledge right now!

Harley
Yes, ma’am…

Ivy
Towards me, not the pavement.

Harley
Yes, ma’am…

Ivy
Don’t scare me like that ever again!

Harley
Sorry, ma’am…

Ivy
Do that again and I’ll toss you into the Batmobile.

Harley
Yes, ma’am…

Ivy
And I’ll feed your comic book collection to my plants.

Harley
My babies?! Yer horrible!

Ivy
There she is.

Harley
They didn’t do anything wr– Oh. Shock therapy.

Ivy
Mm-hmm. Clearheaded now?

Harley
Apart from tha cotton candy I call home now.

Ivy
You still don’t miss that bastard, do you?

Harley
Hey, I hear Superman’s on TV punching holes in buildings! Oh, that man in blue. Always showing his love for humanity through property damage.

Ivy
Harley…

Harley
Remember that time he was lighting?

Ivy
Harley…

Harley
How did he take a shower without dying? He musta stunk like a hot patootie on a su–

Ivy
HARLEY!!

Harley
Yeah, ok, I still miss my puddin’. Happy now? HAPPY NOW?!

Ivy
I thought we worked through this.

Harley
Ya can take tha girl outta tha trauma…

Ivy
He treated you worse than… worse than… I honestly can’t think of something that’s only a little better than how he treated you. Hitler treated your Jewish grandparents SO much better than Joker treated you.

Harley
It was his way of showing his love, Red.

Ivy
Love doesn’t involve breaking your arms repeatedly for fun. Feel them, Harley. You can still feel the bumps where your fractures healed.

Harley
I know what they feel like…

Ivy
Touch them, damnit! Every time you miss that infectious human waste, I want you to feel what he’s done to you!

Harley
I just have ta feel my heart, then.

Ivy
Did you know that you scream in your sleep? You tell him to stop, that he’s hurting you, that you’re gonna… you’re gonna die if he doesn’t stop.

Harley
Y-yer making that up.

Ivy
Listen if you don’t believe me.

Harley
Ya recorded me?

Ivy
I knew you wouldn’t trust me otherwise. You’d think that I made it all up, which says a lot about how much he screwed you up.

Harley
I remember some of that stuff. He… He did it fer love. Everything… All is full of love.

Ivy
What about him makes you miss him so much? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Do you not care about me anymore?

Harley
Don’t be silly, yer still amazing ta me. We can have girl fun and you don’t mind when I have guy fun.

Ivy
And I don’t hurt you.

Harley
And ya don’t hurt me.

Ivy
So why does Joker still do it for you?

Harley
It’s not all tha time. I can go months, or almost a whole year without wanting ta see my Mistah J. But I’m like a smoker, Red. They never really quit. They just live until tha syren call of tha white poison stick gets too loud.

Ivy
There’s usually a trigger.

Harley
Heh. Ya pay attention ta me.

Ivy
You don’t always scream in your sleep. Sometimes, you, heh, give long lectures about psychiatry.

Harley
And it doesn’t bore ya?

Ivy
Nothing about you is boring, Harley.

Harley
Even when I’m making bombs?

Ivy
Well, maybe that. The goggles make you look senile.

Harley
Ha. Knew it.

Ivy
What’s your trigger? Your Joker trigger.

Harley
He did so many things ta me that anything could be a trigger, really.

Ivy
Anytime you feel a trigger coming, I want you to find me, ok. No more standing on the ledge or whatever else you do.

Harley
But what if yer in the potty?

Daily Dialogue: Growing Old is Getting Old

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Camille
Happy birthday! What are ya, 80?

Tori
You’re off by two months, but thank you.

Camille
My clever ploy to find out your birthday was a success, then.

Tori
Generally, you don’t announce your “clever ploy” even after it’s done.

Camille
What are ya, 80?

Tori
I’ll be 51, thank you very much.

Camille
Wow, you’ve lived through Reaganomics…

Tori
I survived Reaganomics, you mean.

Camille
Does anyone really survive Reaganomics?

Tori
…no, not really.

Camille
I’ll just add this feather in my cap next to Macaroni.

Tori
What?

Camille
“He stuck a feather in his cap and called it ‘Macaroni.'”

Tori
Oh, that. I’m sorry, I stopped listening to children’s songs centuries ago.

Camille
Everyone knows that song!

Tori
Yeah, Pup-Pup.

Camille
Hey, I’m 32. That qualifies me to age-out of nicknames for kids.

Tori
I have almost 20 years on you, so I can call you what I want. Pup-Pup.

Camille
Whatever.

Tori
Hee hee hee.

Camille
Gonna twirl your wax moustache, too?

Tori
They still make those?

Camille
No, but they never expire so there’re WAREHOUSES full of ’em.

Tori
Happy birthday to me. Where’s my crowbar?

Camille
How do you feel about getting old?

Tori
I’m glad that I’m done with menopause, and I’m fucking ECSTATIC that I’m done with periods.

Camille
Twist the blade, why don’t you?

Tori
Nature’s still doing that to you monthly, so I don’t need to.

Camille
Ah, shut up.

Tori
Hee hee hee…

Camille
But seriously, how do you feel?

Tori
I was serious. I feel great.

Camille
Really?

Tori
Yeah.

Camille
Why?

Tori
Should I be dreading something? Besides going the way of all flesh? Because you get over that eventually, Pup-Pup.

Camille
I suggest a moratorium on that name.

Tori
Sure, Cornflake Girl.

Camille
…they come to you so easily, don’t they?

Tori
Decades of practice.

Camille
People look at you differently when you’re old.

Tori
People look at you differently when you’re young. As a woman in this sick, sad world, you’re a piece of meat that turns into a piece of shit. At least when I’m shit, I don’t have to worry about dude-bros.

Camille
They go away?

Tori
Eventually. But then they turn into burnouts, so I’m not so sure about being shit now.

Camille
What’s a burnout?

Tori
Something fun to do in a fast car. Also, a poor excuse of a man who can’t let go of his youth. Which wasn’t much in the first place.

Camille
What do they do?

Tori
You’ve seen them in bars. They’re the ones jamming with the house band on their air guitars and using–

Camille
And using the stools as drums! They’re fucking pathetic!

Tori
It’s even worse when they think you think they “still got it.” Hmm, getting old might be terrible.

Camille
Ah HA!

Tori
Easy, Cornflake Girl, I was half-joking.

Camille
Curses…

Tori
What’s your problem, or problems, with getting old?

Camille
Looking like shit. And parts of the world not being open to me anymore.

Tori
You know which women look like shit when they’re old?

Camille
I thought you said all old women look like shit.

Tori
No, I said that they’re treated as such. The women who live up to the dream are the ones who lived a hard life, or can’t let go. Like the burnouts.

Camille
A hard life? Like, chain gangs and stuff?

Tori
Like… “Woo, who wants to do shots off my ass and coke off my tits? Looky-looky, aren’t my tan lines the most, to say the least? I’m like a chocolate onion! Glee!”

Camille
Oh. Them.

Tori
Yeah. Them. I used to drink, but then I saw the horror it does in the long run, and I pretty much gave it up. I never felt drunk, anyway, so it wasn’t a big sacrifice.

Camille
Liver disease? Brain disease?

Tori
Those, and how it fucks up your skin and makes you bloated. Bar crawls aren’t that interesting when you think about that stuff. Besides, it’ll never get any better than in “World’s End.”

Camille
But, wrinkles and gray hair!

Tori
I don’t mind them. And I don’t live a life that encourages them, so I’m fine.

Camille
So you’re still worried about them.

Tori
I’m worried about having to pick up my face before drinking from a cup, but I don’t have to worry about that.

Camille
What about things that aren’t as available to you when you’re older?

Tori
What, like sex?

Camille
And other things.

Tori
Sex is great for two reasons. One, you have a lifetime of tricks to show off and your plumbing doesn’t work anymore, so you can have reckless abandon for any guy or gal willing to go on your ride. Two, the people looking to fuck an older woman REALLY wanna fuck an older woman. Do you know what that’s like? Being wanted AND knowing what to do?

Camille
No…

Tori
It’s fantastic.

Camille
But what about going places?

Tori
What places?

Camille
Places younger people go?

Tori
As long as you don’t come off as desperate, things are ok. I mean, I’m not suggesting being like those people you just wanna slap and say “Give it up!” But… You know that some places have that cool old guy or chick?

Camille
Yeah, they’re awesome.

Tori
You could be that cool old chick someday, Cornflake Girl.

Camille
I could? I could!

Tori
Now get me my prune juice.

Daily Dialogue: Suffer the Children (no longer)

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Kimberly
Jocelyn?

Jocelyn
Kimberly?

Kimberly
Yeah. Hi, I’m Ki– Oh. Yeah.

Jocelyn
It’s ok. I’m nervous, too.

Kimberly
I’m not nervous, I’m– I’m here. You’re here. We’re here.

Jocelyn
Yeah. We’re here.

Kimberly
How did you find me? I didn’t mean it like that.

Jocelyn
I know. After the trial, I looked up some of the victims who went public. Your mother was one of them.

Kimberly
She… She must… But how did you get to me?

Jocelyn
I talked to her. Over the phone. She gave me your number.

Kimberly
I gotta talk to her. I haven’t said anything to her since before the trial. I hope– Is she ok?

Jocelyn
Yeah. She misses you.

Kimberly
I miss her, too. But with the media everywhere and putting a story before their humanity, I couldn’t be a target.

Jocelyn
She knows. She went through a lot, but she’s glad that she went through it alone. She didn’t want you to share her burden.

Kimberly
That’s good. I mean– I-I mean–

Jocelyn
I know what you mean.

Kimberly
Did your mother go public, too?

Jocelyn
Let’s say that she wanted to leave the past amongst the dead.

Kimberly
She was too afraid.

Jocelyn
That too. Do you hate her?

Kimberly
…no. Not now. That fucker was found guilty and now he has to deal with prison justice.

Jocelyn
What if he wasn’t found guilty?

Kimberly
I’d rather not think of could-have-beens. He’s gotta get what’s coming to him. Nightly.

Jocelyn
Do we call each other sisters?

Kimberly
Do you want to?

Jocelyn
We have the same father, so–

Kimberly
Don’t make him human.

Jocelyn
We have the same… stamen?

Kimberly
That works. Yeah, that’s better. That’s the male part of a flower, right?

Jocelyn
Yeah.

Kimberly
Yeah, that’s better.

Jocelyn
I know the circumstances aren’t the best, but we’re sisters. I’d like to get to know you better.

Kimberly
Have you seen him?

Jocelyn
Yeah. In pictures and on TV, never in person.

Kimberly
Do I look like him?

Jocelyn
You have his eyebrows.

Kimberly
Oh.

Jocelyn
What about me?

Kimberly
You hair’s kinda curly like his.

Jocelyn
I always hated my hair.

Kimberly
I always hated my eyebrows.

Jocelyn
Maybe we could go to a salon someday and change them.

Kimberly
Maybe.

Jocelyn
Are you still weirded-out by me being here?

Kimberly
By me existing after my mother told me that I was a… a…

Jocelyn
Rape child. I feel the same way. I am the same way.

Kimberly
You aren’t acting like it.

Jocelyn
I rarely let my emotions get the better of me.

Kimberly
You sound just like him.

Jocelyn
…what?

Kimberly
Whenever he was interviewed, he was always cold.

Jocelyn
You think I’m cold?

Kimberly
Keeping your emotions in check, as you said, makes you seem cold.

Jocelyn
I’m not like him.

Kimberly
Ok.

Jocelyn
I am nothing like him.

Kimberly
Ok. When did you find out? That you were his?

Jocelyn
When he was arrested.

Kimberly
Oh.

Jocelyn
When did you?

Kimberly
When he was arrested… but I’ve known that I was a rape child since I was a little girl.

Jocelyn
What?! How?

Kimberly
My first stepfather told me.

Jocelyn
Why would someone tell a kid that?

Kimberly
My mother made him angry and he took it out on me. The older I got, the more I wished that he beat me like any decent degenerate, instead.

Jocelyn
You mean, you had to grow up knowing…

Kimberly
Yeah. And, of course, neighborhood kids find out, as they do with anything. From them, the school bus. From that, the school. And my mother couldn’t afford to move, so I was stuck. I don’t think most of them knew what rape was until high school.

Jocelyn
Did it get better in high school?

Kimberly
Does anything ever get better in high school?

Jocelyn
What happened?

Kimberly
I don’t wanna talk about it.

Jocelyn
I’m your sister, you can tell m–

Kimberly
I barely know you. Yeah, we’re sisters, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve earned the right for me to dump every piece of bullshit that’s ever happened to me on you.

Jocelyn
I don’t mind. Really.

Kimberly
Why? Why is it so important to you?

Jocelyn
Because I’m lonely. I’m so lonely and I thought I’d never find someone to talk to who was like me. No, I didn’t know that I was a child of rape until recently, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like there was something wrong with me. I cut myself. I’ve been a cutter for over a decade. I thought that the wrongness was inside me somewhere and thought I could cut it out. Then it started feeling good. Now I don’t feel anything but lonely. Except right now, with you.

Daily Dialogue: The Ghosted Vein

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Dr. Marshall
Thanks for seeing me today.

Seanan
Yeah, well, I don’t have a choice. Do I?

Dr. Marshall
There’s always a choice, Seanan.

Seanan
I just feel like a victim, being told to come here all the time.

Dr. Marshall
No one wants you to feel like a victim anymore.

Seanan
Then why do I have to keep coming here, girl to girl?

Dr. Marshall
You’ve been through a lot these last few months. You weren’t only kidnapped, you were violated.

Seanan
I would’ve called it “being turned into a junkie.” But whatever.

Dr. Marshall
It was a terrible and undeserving situation for you.

Seanan
So, there’s someone out there who deserved what I went through? I mean, if I was undeserving, then someone has to be deserving, right? Nature LOVES balance.

Dr. Marshall
Some things no one deserves.

Seanan
Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure of that. It was my mother’s fault, y’know. For everything. I think if ANYONE deserves what I went through, it’d be her.

Dr. Marshall
Why do you feel that way?

Seanan
Um, because I was kidnapped for no other reason than being her daughter? If I wasn’t that, I wouldn’t be in this office, would I?

Dr. Marshall
If you weren’t her daughter, you wouldn’t exist. Surely, you must enjoy being alive.

Seanan
You’re right. Y’know, you’re right. It’s great to be alive. I’m so glad that I know what it’s like to be locked in a dungeon. Those heroin trips were great, too. Having to go through detox, throwing up even though I had nothing inside, having bruises from shivering so much, dealing with ex-addicts who are so hard-up for a fix that they offer to suck my nonexistent cock, all of that was peachy keen. The nightmares? They’re really swell. Just because I popped out of my mother one day.

Dr. Marshall
I didn’t know you had nightmares. When did they start?

Seanan
A while after I got outta rehab.

Dr. Marshall
Do you still have them?

Seanan
Yeah.

Dr. Marshall
Are they about your time in rehab?

Seanan
No, they’re about…

Dr. Marshall
Your kidnapping?

Seanan
Kidnappers.

Dr. Marshall
What about them?

Seanan
It’s hard, y’know?

Dr. Marshall
What is?

Seanan
Living with being an addict.

Dr. Marshall
It wasn’t your fault.

Seanan
No, it was my mother’s, but I’m not interested in playing the blame game right now. I can’t eat with spoons anymore. Isn’t that weird? They used to put the heroin in a spoon and melt it in front of me. After a while, days became a blur. But I still remember spoons. And whatever the nightmares tell me.

Dr. Marshall
What do they say?

Seanan
I think I loved them.

Dr. Marshall
Who?

Seanan
The men who took me.

Dr. Marshall
It’s more common than you think. Captives sometimes form a strong bond with their captives as a coping mechanism.

Seanan
I’m still a victim, then.

Dr. Marshall
Try not to think of it that way. You were in a situation that you couldn’t prepare for, and your mind tried to help you through it the best way it as it could.

Seanan
Do you know– Fuck, my rubber band broke. Do you have one?

Dr. Marshall
Of course. Here. I’m glad you’re using the stress exercise I taught you.

Seanan
I never would’ve thought that flicking a rubber band on my wrist would be like a nicotine patch for heroin addicts. You should market it.

Dr. Marshall
It’s public domain.

Seanan
Heh, of course it is. Do you know what happened when I was found?

Dr. Marshall
No, I only know that you were found.

Seanan
There was a shootout. I was too high to notice anything, but my subconscious was quite the notetaker. It likes to remind me nightly of all the gory details. Apparently, I was covered in blood and body bits, and used as a bullet shield. Not a scratch on me, though.

Dr. Marshall
That’s good.

Seanan.
Yeah. Still. I loved them, and I’m heartbroken in my nightmares every time I see them die. And you said it’s normal to fall in love?

Dr. Marshall
It’s normal to develop feelings that are similar to love, yes.

Seanan
What about… Is it… How weird is it to get horny from nightmares?

Dr. Marshall
It’s rare, but it’s possible. Are you aroused after every nightmare?

Seanan
No.

Dr. Marshall
How do you know you’re aroused?

Seanan
The tell-tale signs. Bedsheets between the legs with morning dew.

Dr. Marshall
What’s that?

Seanan
Morning wood for women.

Dr. Marshall
Oh. Which nightmares arouse you?

Seanan
The ones that end just before everyone dies. Sometimes time stretches and everything gets slowed down. Being held, covered in blood, people screaming… Oh no. Am I a monster?

Daily Dialogue: Due to Infernal Dispensation

Posted in Dialogue, Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2015 by Rathan Krueger

Estelle
You can tell a lot about a parent by which way their child faces, framed and photographed on a desk. Towards the parent means that their love is something private, something precious, something they use for support during the sad and angry times. Towards the other person suggests a pride, an arrogance, a need to show of the product of one night, nine months, a lifetime. You are a very arrogant mother.

Elena
Just tell me where my daughter is and take the money.

Estelle
In time.

Elena
Now!

Estelle
In. Time.

Elena
I have a gun.

Estelle
That you don’t have the gumption to use. Anyone with the urge to kill won’t warn the person. If they really have it in them, the murder touch, they’ll surprise the other with their intention. You may hurt me, sure, but you’ll never kill me, and the only thing I fear is death. You can take out your gun if it’ll make you feel better. I won’t mind.

Elena
Why are you doing this?

Estelle
Because of your arrogance.

Elena
Are you some sort of religious nut?

Estelle
No, no. Consider me a… concerned social scientist.

Elena
What the fuck does that mean? I’ll shoot you! I’ll fucking shoot you!

Estelle
Go ahead. The knees hurt the most. But if you wanna make a statement, you can shoot me in a breast. I’m not wearing a bra. My heart’s under the left one, so you might wanna avoid it. C’mon, it’ll be ironic. A mother shooting a woman in the place where milk comes from. I’d laugh.

Elena
You’re crazy. You are crazy!

Estelle
I am clear. Craziness insinuates that I don’t know right from wrong. I am very aware of those things.

Elena
Tell me where she is!

Estelle
This won’t do.

Elena
AAAAAAAAH!!

Estelle
That’s what it feels like to get shot in the knee. Don’t worry, I missed your artery, so it’ll just hurt a lot. You won’t die. Not yet.

Elena
Please… just give me back my baby… I won’t tell the police what you look like… I won’t tell them anything…

Estelle
I believe you. But this isn’t about people. It’s about arrogance. Tell you what: if you answer my questions truthfully, you can have your daughter. Ok?

Elena
Please…

Estelle
Ok?

Elena
Ok! Ok! I’ll play your damn game, ok?!

Estelle
Can a fetus speak?

Elena
Wh-what?

Estelle
Can a fetus speak?

Elena
N-no, of course not.

Estelle
Is a fetus psychic?

Elena
Why are you asking these stupid… No.

Estelle
So, there’s no way a fetus can convey its thoughts to you?

Elena
No.

Estelle
Then why did you get pregnant?

Elena
What?

Estelle
If a fetus can’t tell you that it wants to exist, why did you make it so?

Elena
Because we wanted a child.

Estelle
“We?”

Elena
My husband and I.

Estelle
What happens when people grow up?

Elena
You’re… They get jobs.

Estelle
And?

Elena
They get married.

Estelle
And?

Elena
They get old.

Estelle
And?

Elena
They die, damnit. Ok? They fucking die!

Estelle
You’ve been aware of this for a while?

Elena
Shut up.

Estelle
Don’t get defiant on me. I have your gun and your child.

Elena
All my life. I’ve known all my life.

Estelle
So, you wanted a child even though you knew you were sentencing it to a, potentially, long death. For no other reason than because you wanted one. Do you realize how fucked-up that is?

Elena
It’s human!

Estelle
Then humanity’s fucked-up! Guilty by complacency! Your daughter, when did you know that it was a girl?

Elena
My first ultrasound.

Estelle
How’s life been for you, as a woman?

Elena
Sunshine and rainbows, what do you want me to say?

Estelle
The truth.

Elena
It’s been like any other woman’s.

Estelle
Rife with sexism and such? You have a nice job, high-profile, it must be like keeping a bandage on a wound in a piranha tank. EVERYONE must be giving you a ton of grief. You probably have a shrink who’s trying to keep you from your fifth ulcer.

Elena
Ok, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right, you’re RIGHT.

Estelle
You must’ve known that any girl entering this world would grow up to at least what you’ve gone through. So, why’d you have her?

Elena
You’re sick.

Estelle
I think you need a mirror. I didn’t bring an innocent into this world to be beaten up by it and die because of my arrogance. That’s all you. The Chinese have the decency to kill their newborn daughters because they know how unwanted they are.

Elena
What turned you into this?

Estelle
The world, Elena. And everything in it.

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