This Week’s Short Story (but first: an apology)

I had a great idea for a short story, but it was too great to do it justice in a week.  Frantically thinking of something to write with only hours left in the week, I decided to modify a stream-of-consciousness comment I posted on someone’s blog.  Next week’ll be better, trust me.  I’ll even share its title, to get you intrigued and to put myself under the gun: “The Horrors”  But now… “SECEDE!!”

All 50 states have drafted petitions to secede from the Union this week.  And you know what: they’ll all do it.  All of ’em.  All at once.  Fifty different state-countries within days of each other.  No one will redraw the map, too much of Olde America’s laziness is embedded into their DNA (but they still all manage to make it home for “X American Idol Factor Wow” every Thursday night).  Soon after the state-countries settle into their new titles, they collapse due to egos and no more Twinkies.  Except one state-country: the one that’s home to the Twinkie headquarters.

Twinkiestan buys the 49 other state-countries with the only currency gluttonous Ex-America will respect: Twinkies.  Twinkies are, at first, used as currency but soon all 50 state-countries eat their money in a collective midnight-munchie session.  Amazing, with the time zones and all.  However, a dark price soon snatches the joy from their sated hunger due to sweet-sweets.  The beetus.  Ex-America collectively gets the beetus.  The sickly 50 beg Canada to help them with its free health care, and Canada takes their foot.  Louisiana is shaped like a boot so Canada also gets the entire state-country (you don’t want to know what happened to Bigfoot).  Some Canadians complain about Cajuns.  They are shot for being anti-Canadian with their unhappiness and sent down the Mississippi… which is really UP the Mississippi since that’s how it flows, so Canada has to deal with anti-Canadian corpses for a while.

State-countries try invading each other because everyone is footless, but entire armies are decimated by stairs.  Once Canada takes care of its clogged problem, it sells its beetus “winnings” to Spain.  In return, they get flamenco dancers and a great recipe for chorizo.  Back in Ex-America, the state-countries turn into pirate cosplay communities due to all the peg legs.  The communities become smaller and smaller because there’s no booty to be had, and no one wants J-Lo or a Kardashian.  Thus, the War of the Oaken Pedals erupts.  Spain’s new soccer team, the Inquisitors, unexpectedly arrives in Louisiana with chainsaws made of beetus feet and conquer the world of futbol.

The state-countries unite with Olde American xenophobia into a new country with the same map: The Footless States of America.  They decimate the Inquisitors and send them back with a large crate they were sworn not to open until they arrive back in Spain.  A new constitution is made that’s remarkably like the old one, ‘cept that it’s more handicapable.  Everyone lives happily ever after… except Spain when they open the crate and are flooded with J-Lo/Kardashian clones.

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One Response to “This Week’s Short Story (but first: an apology)”

  1. J-Lo/Kardashian = More misery to Spain.

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