Awkward Melancholy

I’ve been lazing around today after doing the copyright business for “Lie” and I’m a lot more brooding about it than I thought I’d be. I’m very, VERY glad to be finished and on my way to what I want… but now more than ever, there’s a sense of… dunno, “this is it”. These are my last weeks or months of being a “normal” person. Once “Lie” starts floating to where I need it to, a lot of aspects of my life will change. Some things… a lot of things I’m looking forward to. Being able to get most of these ideas outta my head and into books/films/songs/stuff, for one. Some things I’m not looking forward to. Things like loss of anonymity. No one can control how the world will react towards them. Sure, they can guide and hope, but people have the final say. They can either like you, love you, or fucking love you. It doesn’t help that I’m not sure exactly what I want. Part of me wants to be able to fill stadiums for a Q&A, but the rest of me knows that there’s A LOT of crap that comes with that level of notoriety. Part of me wants to be able to swim through crowds carefree as a jellyfish, but my blooming ego wants to be known, damnit. I know what I don’t want and will do everything I can to avoid: stalkers. It can’t ever be fun knowing that someone you don’t know knows where you live. I also don’t want fans who think everything I do is great for no other reason than it’s me. If they think everything I do is great because for some reason, I’ve managed to hit upon everything they’d want in entertainment, I’ll be very grateful. But it’s hard to respect yes (wo)men.

Another thing that I won’t have as much time for once the fame monster bites is myself. Once I have a fanbase, I have to share some of my time with them. That’s not really a gripe, more of an observation. My time has always been my time, so it’ll be a new thing knowing that sometimes I have to meet people. Luckily, they’ll wanna meet me. Few things suck more than an uninterested date.

I’ve spent the past year or two preparing myself for whatever fame may come to me. Lots of reading biographies and the various aspects of fandom. The one thing I’ve constantly heard is that no matter how much one prepares for success, nothing can prepare someone for success. So I think about ways to convince fans to respect privacy and laugh at the idea to remember to be grateful for fans (as if I’d forget). And I enjoy the little things, like being able to go to stores unnoticed and watch films all night without having to worry about meetings the next day. Because anonymity and an abundance of time is gone forever once you step into the limelight. Unless you’re forgotten or thrown away, and fuck that.

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