Daily Dialogue: How to Fail the Bechdel Test

The Bechdel Test is a thing made half-seriously by a woman to point out how narrowly women are perceived in fiction. The test has since been writ large as law by most creatives and the media. One failing point is that when women are having a conversation, they talk mostly/only about men. So, this is me failing the Bechdel Test for 20 minutes.

Dorothy
I talked to him last night about it.

Mia
Yeah? And what did he say?

Dorothy
Nothing.

Mia
“Nothing”? “Nothing”?! One of the most important thing in your life, and potentially his, and he didn’t say anything?!

Dorothy
He said that he couldn’t have an opinion.

Mia
But half of it is his fault, the dick.

Dorothy
I know, but he said that since he couldn’t have one and that it wasn’t a man’s place to tell a woman what to do, he couldn’t have an opinion.

Mia
That excuse might work, MIGHT work, if he didn’t fuck you, but he fucked you and now you’re pregnant and you want an abortion. He’s hiding cowardice behind nobility, the fucker.

Dorothy
Don’t be mean to him…

Mia
Why not?! He’s not taking responsibility or running away, he’s doing worse: being indifferent.

Dorothy
But he has a point…

Mia
HAD a point. Did he say anything about what would happen if you kept or got rid of it?

Dorothy
He said it wasn’t his place.

Mia
He couldn’t even do the semi-decent fucking thing and say that he’d stand behind you with whatever you did?

Dorothy
I know… It’s fucked-up… I wish I could go back in time and–

Mia
Don’t turn into a little girl on me. Neither of us has a big, blue box or a Delorean so don’t talk about time-travel. You have to deal with this.

Dorothy
How? He won’t help me and the only way I could make him do anything is getting child support, but I want the abortion.

Mia
What else do you want?

Dorothy
Someone to hold my hand when it’s over.

Mia
I’d like to offer, but you have the grip of a python.

Dorothy
Gee, thanks.

Mia
I’m serious, you could kill a clam with those.

Dorothy
So you won’t be in the lobby for me?

Mia
I’ll be there. With a bone setter and your ex-baby daddy’s head on a pike.

Dorothy
You don’t have to kill him.

Mia
But he has to pay. With extreme prejudice.

Dorothy
I know, but there’s not much we could do. Except take out the pins in his car’s tires that keep the air in. And tie a lug nut to his car’s axle so it makes a loud noise every time he drives. And pour spoiled milk in the vent under the windshield wipers so that the air smells rancid every time he turns on the heat. It’ll be cold this week, too. We could also put a banana in his tailpipe.

Mia
This is why I love you. And hope to Sauron that you’re never angry at me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: