Daily Dialogue: “Fish Burps and Peg Legs be Damned”

For 20 minutes a day (yes, even this one), I have two women talk to each other with no reason or rhyme.

Natalie
Peanuts.

Janey
Yeah…?

Natalie
I think I’m allergic to them.

Janey
But we don’t have any peanuts.

Natalie
I know. One time a few years ago, I ate some.

Janey
Yeah…?

Natalie
I almost choked.

Janey
Oh shit, your throat was swollen?

Natalie
No, one of them wasn’t chewed right and cut me on the way down.

Janey
Oh. I mean, that sucks but that doesn’t mean you’re allergic.

Natalie
It doesn’t?

Janey
No, it means you need to chew your food better.

Natalie
Oh. What about fish? I think I’m allergic to fish.

Janey
Did you get a rash?

Natalie
No, but one time a few years ago, I ate some salmon and I threw up.

Janey
Yeah, I think that counts.

Natalie
Oh, remind me to pick up some fish oil pills on the way to the mechanic’s.

Janey
For who?

Natalie
Me. Duh. I’ve taken them for about a year and they really help with my memory.

Janey
But you said that you were allergic to fish.

Natalie
Yeah…?

Janey
Fish oil comes from fish.

Natalie
But I threw up that one time! And my burps taste like fish for a while after I take a fish oil pill!

Janey
I think you just had some bad fish. As for the fish burps, you’re essentially swallowing liquid fish, so it’s natural that your burps taste like the sea.

Natalie
Well, thanks for ruining that for me.

Janey
What?

Natalie
Liquid fish! Why not tell me that eggs are… are… chicken periods?

Janey
They kinda are.

Natalie
Shut your whore mouth.

Janey
It’s the truth! Eggs in a carton are unfertilized eggs that the hen flushes out of her system. I’d be jealous but I don’t get eaten. Well…

Natalie
I don’t think I like your brain very much, with its horrible truths.

Janey
Are you gonna stop eating eggs now?

Natalie
Are they in egg foo young?

Janey
…yes, Natalie. Yes, they are.

Natalie
Cake?

Janey
Most baked things.

Natalie
And you’re sure they’re periods?

Janey
Surer than ever. But there’s a soy substitute, if you’re prudish.

Natalie
Why would I wanna have something fake? That’s like swapping sugar for Splenda. Both are gonna take my foot so why settle for the one that tastes like it was grown in a lab?

Janey
Take your foot?

Natalie
Y’know, the beetus.

Janey
Oh yeah. Science has said that the beetus might be caused by fat, not sugar.

Natalie
…you know what? I’m gonna eat whatever I want, fish burps and peg legs be damned.

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