Daily Dialogue: Dirty Talk

For 40 minutes a day, two women ride the rollercoaster of imagination and I write their screams.

Babs
Is it true what the say about men?

Kiki
What, that they’re so helpless that they don’t know when to ask for help?

Babs
That’d be the one.

Kiki
In his case, he’s a plumber. I imagine his helplessness comes with the diploma. Plumbers get diplomas, right?

Babs
Like I’ve ever been in a plumber’s house to find out.

Kiki
You can ask him after you pay him.

Babs
Pay him?

Kiki
Yeah. That’s how capitalism works. Someone does a service for you and you pay them.

Babs
I thought it was one of those free services you get when you move in. Like when they take away your garbage.

Kiki
You pay for that, too.

Babs
The hell you say.

Kiki
It’s snuck into that bill you pay yearly so you’re forced to.

Babs
Well, I don’t wanna pay for stinky services that SHOULD be free, so I’m taking a stand. Starting with that plumber.

Kiki
Maybe not with that plumber. Whatever he’s taken out, he can put back in.

Babs
If he’s like most men I’ve been with, he’ll miss the hole a few times. I’ll be fine.

Kiki
Yeah, but with the load he’s packing, it wouldn’t matter if he missed.

Babs
Damnation.

Kiki
So no stiffing the plumber on his bill.

Babs
Ok… But the next time he comes, he better not expect any satisfaction.

Kiki
It’s a shit job, Babs. No one expects satisfaction.

Babs
Oh, they’re out there.

Kiki
Well, you don’t want them in your house.

Babs
I don’t want them on my planet.

Kiki
Hey, different strokes for different folks. I’m sure your kinks would be weird to some people.

Babs
Yeah. Because they’re weird people.

Kiki
Oh, come on, don’t be so judgmental.

Babs
You’re right. I’m just miffed that I have to pay for garbage.

Kiki
Actually, it’s the lack of garbage you’re paying for.

Babs
Same diff.

Kiki
Not really. You don’t wanna be the only person on the block whose lawn looks like Paris during that garbage strike in the 60s.

Babs
Who’d do that to beautiful Paris?

Kiki
Garbage men. Since they pick up garbage.

Babs
How cruel.

Kiki
So to keep you from being Paris, the city or the Hilton, pay your garbage bill that you don’t have a choice to.

Babs
Ugh, fine. How long does it take to fix a toilet?

Kiki
I dunno, what was wrong with it?

Babs
I dunno.

Kiki
Well, there you go.

Babs
I can’t go, that’s why the plumber’s here.

Kiki
Ha, ha, punny, ha.

Babs
I do what I can.

Kiki
Except number one or two.

Babs
Ok, enough of the potty humor.

Kiki
Yeah, you’re right. You’re clogged enough as is.

Babs
The thorns are really out all of a sudden.

Kiki
Yeah… Crap, that means I forgot to take my medicine.

Babs
What a country we live in, right? We have a pill for everything, even snark.

Kiki
Yeah, it’s called Fuckital. Try not to overdose, though. You’ll lose your ambition.

Babs
What a country. And yet, I still have to pay for dirty stuff.

Kiki
I thought we moved on from this…

Babs
We did. And now we’re back.

Kiki
And now we’re moving. What’re your NON-garbage plans for today?

Babs
I was thinking of mowing my lawn.

Kiki
It’s the dead of winter.

Babs
The one in my secret garden.

Kiki
Oh. Oh!

Babs
The weeds are outta control.

Kiki
Why’d you let them?

Babs
Laziness.

Kiki
Doesn’t the earth itch if you don’t mow often?

Babs
Like you wouldn’t believe!

Kiki
Still couldn’t work up the urge to whip out the ol’ electric.

Babs
It’s way over there! Or there! Or there? Ok, so I forgot where I put it. But it cost too much for me to give up on it.

Kiki
Why not use a wet… lawnmower?

Babs
Because my earth is very sensitive and I break out something fierce. I’d kill to have the new-lawn itch over scorched earth.

Kiki
Thinking about it makes me cry a little. So you found your electric mower since you’ll be tending to your lawn later? Or did you buy a new one?

Babs
Do I look stupid? I borrowed one.

Kiki
Um… I don’t think you should use another gal’s lawn equipment.

Babs
Why? She said it was ok.

Kiki
Because you don’t want a faerie circle suddenly appearing.

Babs
Ew. Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do? The grass is beyond the fence and I’ve had enough.

Kiki
I’d help you look for your lawnmower, but I’m afraid of what other electric devices I might find.

Babs
Like what?

Kiki
Your jackhammer.

Babs
Oh, I use a stake. I’m too afraid that a jackhammer will find a hot spring and short out. Then that’ll be the story of me.

Kiki
I’m sure they’re waterproof.

Babs
Eh… Too risky for my neurosis.

Kiki
Where do you keep your, uh, stake?

Babs
The bathroom.

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