Daily Dialogue: TO WAR!!

Through the chaos and battlefield of my mind, two women rant and rave and carry on for forty minutes.

Queen Bathory
What of our forces in the west?

Nyssa
Ravaged by raiders, your highness.

Queen Bathory
So all that stands between us and certain destruction is 100 knights and our wits.

Nyssa
One hundred and one, your highness.

Queen Bathory
Nyssa, I couldn’t ask you to give your life to my kingdom.

Nyssa
I have no intention of dying, so you need not put your worry in asking.

Queen Bathory
Heh. Bold until the end, then?

Nyssa
Begging your forgiveness, your highness, but I hate repeating myself.

Queen Bathory
True… cycles are a bore. But what is life if not a legion of cycles?

Nyssa
Boredom must be sweet indeed if most of my life has been under your care.

Queen Bathory
Oh, why couldn’t you have been born male?

Nyssa
Because you’d never get anything done, your highness. Save the polishing of my staff.

Queen Bathory
Another truth you speak. Might I ask you for a third?

Nyssa
Of course.

Queen Bathory
Am I a good queen? My very marrow is tainted by the stench of burned bridges and scorched earth, such is the life I lead for near half a century. Surely, the holocaust in my wake could have only been cause by a foul queen.

Nyssa
Each flame ignited was for the betterment, for the honor, of your kingdom. You never turned from the worthy. The villains who come, and they be villains pure, are tainted by the stench of their cancerous nature. Your 101 knights are the sawbones that will cut them from your kingdom.

Queen Bathory
But they are legion.

Nyssa
And you have warriors in your ranks. Bred from birth to defend you to whatever end. We have slain direwolves, dragons, and trolls. Daemons, demigods, and the rest. We can handle 2,000 men and make an example to all, showing what happens when your kingdom is vexed. The paths leading to your castle from the four winds will be lined with 2,000 heads on 2,000 pikes. Their remains will fatten our pigs. Their weapons will be given to our children because they are mere toys when clashed against our steel. Songs will be sung of their defeat long after their bones rot to dust. We will endure.

Queen Bathory
Then I am a good queen, to have earned the right to claim such knights.

Nyssa
Yes, your highness.

Queen Bathory
As a good queen, it wouldn’t be fair if I stood behind a wall while others fight for me and mine.

Nyssa
What do you mean?

Queen Bathory
I mean that there will be 102 against 2,000 petty men.

Nyssa
But, your highness!

Queen Bathory
I cannot claim to have done all that you and your brethren, and sistren, have… but, lest you forget, I have given death to two dragons and a minotaur. Not a childish feat.

Nyssa
Of course not, but if anything were to happen to you–

Queen Bathory
You will just have to fight harder, correct? Those who oppose me do not expect their target to stand battle-ready amongst her ranks. They will make mistakes in their fear. Of course, their first mistake was to draw swords against me.

Nyssa
Why couldn’t you be born male?

Queen Bathory
Because, Nyssa, you would be useless on a battlefield.

Nyssa
Yet a wonder in bed.

Queen Bathory
Another life, another life. How soon do you think the enemy will get here?

Nyssa
They should be close by the morning, but they won’t surround us until nightfall.

Queen Bathory
Under the cold safety of darkness. Smart. But we’re clever, are we not?

Nyssa
Indeed, your highness.

Queen Bathory
We can’t see them, but they can’t see what we’ll have done to the land in preparation.

Nyssa
They won’t bother sending scouts. They will want to mock us from afar. Thus hiding our traps with their apathy.

Queen Bathory
Anger blinds and stupifies. What traps can we set twixt now and dawn?

Nyssa
Our grass grows tall, so we have a variety of items at our disposal.

Queen Bathory
What say you to spikes?

Nyssa
Small ones, to maim their feet instead of pierce their organs. Dig them deep to be strengthened by the soil.

Queen Bathory
Yes, to kill them would be good, but to embarrass them would be delightful. What else?

Nyssa
We could dig holes to trap their feet.

Queen Bathory
Enough foot play for now. One doesn’t wish to develop a fetish.

Nyssa
Yes, your highness.

Queen Bathory
However… Tripwire and liquid flame would be a great show.

Nyssa
Yes, but surely you don’t wish to bring the holocaust to your fields.

Queen Bathory
True. What of meat?

Nyssa
What of meat?

Queen Bathory
Say the tripwire unleashes meat onto the fools. Then we release the hounds.

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