Daily Dialogue: Please See Me

Late, late, but here nonetheless… Two women talk to each other for 40 minutes, with a little preplanned cheating on my part.

Jamie
How do I look?

Melinda
Tired. And red.

Jamie
Heh. So they did a good job?

Melinda
Your boobs still look even, if that’s what you’re getting at.

Jamie
That surgery happened months ago, so I hope the girls still look good.

Melinda
How do you feel?

Jamie
Sore in the right place.

Melinda
You mean in the gone place. You’re a card-carrying woman now.

Jamie
Yay. As long as I keep getting my pills. Yay. Ow.

Melinda
No sudden moves, remember?

Jamie
I don’t care how stupid I sound, and I’ll blame it on the morphine, but I’m so looking forward to the first time I pee sitting down.

Melinda
Just so you know… That sounds incredibly stupid. Some guys pee sitting down.

Jamie
What? Who?

Melinda
My ex, Nick.

Jamie
Nick squatted? How do you know?

Melinda
We dated for years. Eventually, you see your lover use the bathroom.

Jamie
Ew. I’m not. I’m barricading that bitch.

Melinda
Beggars and choosers.

Jamie
What do you mean?

Melinda
Not all guys… y’know… want women as special as you.

Jamie
Smart way of putting it. Don’t worry about me. I’ll get mine.

Melinda
Oh yeah?

Jamie
Yeah. And I won’t make the same mistake women before me made.

Melinda
What mistake is that?

Jamie
There are two guys in front of you, right?

Melinda
Sure.

Jamie
One of them is a skinny, nice guy. The other is a buff jerk. Both ask you out. Which do you let take your hand?

Melinda
Nice guys don’t ask women out. They’re too punch-drunk from getting turned down.

Jamie
And women get punch-drunk because they date the jerk. I’ll be a 21st-century girl and ask the nice guy out who’ll treat me right and make me cum. You all have fun with those black eyes and lonesome nights.

Melinda
You know… I wanna hate you, but you’re right. I had a choice between Nick and Smith–

Jamie
His first name was Smith?

Melinda
Weirder things have happened.

Jamie
Ok, ok.

Melinda
I’d still be with Smith if I chose him, cumming nightly according to you.

Jamie
I didn’t know him.

Melinda
Yeah, but you said nice guys are into that sort of thing. Nick wasn’t. Most guys who make the first move aren’t, actually… So there may be some truth in your 21st-century girl agenda.

Jamie
It’s shareware.

Melinda
Awesome. Is there any other mistake you’re not gonna make?

Jamie
Party buses.

Melinda
Huh?

Jamie
I feel women who use them are setback skanks.

Melinda
Heh, really? How so?

Jamie
You see them! They’re all loud and drunk and annoying!

Melinda
Since I’ve been female longer than you, allow me to enlighten you.

Jamie
Please do, Buddha.

Melinda
You’re gonna find out that the world has a much lower tolerance of you now that you’re part of the sorority.

Jamie
Ok…?

Melinda
Double standards, my dear. A man can act a fool and it’s expected. Even charming. A foolish woman gets chased out of town. Those party bus skanks act the way they do because it’s the one time they can act out and it’s expected of them.

Jamie
Even the one I caught pissing on the park bench that one night?

Melinda
They’re skanks. What do you expect?

Jamie
Well, I’m not gonna turn out like them.

Melinda
Where are you going when you’re healed up?

Jamie
Brazil.

Melinda
Why there?

Jamie
Get my lack of a dick wet. The transgender community down there is awesome and welcomed with open arms.

Melinda
Really? Why?

Jamie
Why ask why?

Melinda
Touché. Can I come?

Jamie
Ask those dude-bros you like so much…

Melinda
I get it, I get it! Make the first move and I’ll have a better life.

Jamie
People who have sex a lot look younger, and orgasms lower risk of cancer and heart attacks.

Melinda
What kind of books have you been reading lately?

Jamie
The important ones, Lindy. The important ones. I’m gonna be immortal!

Melinda
Planning on taking Brazil back with you?

Jamie
It can fit in the Grand Canyon, right?

Melinda
Yeah, but you hate the desert.

Jamie
I do. Damnit.

Melinda
Weird question.

Jamie
Weird answer?

Melinda
What did the doctors do with the… pieces they didn’t use?

Jamie
They can make dog food out of them, for all I care.

Melinda
Looks like I’m making my own from now on.

Jamie
Oh, like he cares. He ate a blanket once.

Melinda
Why are you the only one who remembers that?

Jamie
Your dog. Ate. A motherfucking blanket. Who can forget such a thing?

Melinda
Me?

Jamie
The more you lie to yourself, the uglier you are inside. Ugh. Mommy needs more from her morphine tap.

Melinda
Too much of that stuff makes you an addict.

Jamie
I’m sure the machine regulates it. If not, my insurance will.

Melinda
The almighty dollar. What’s morphine feel like?

Jamie
I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you because you’d know what you’re missing out on. That’d bring the worst out of you.

Melinda
I didn’t think about this until now, but you’re awful talky for someone high on painkillers.

Jamie
I know, right? But it’s working its magic, so why complain? I’m not.

Melinda
What would you have done if you were allergic to morphine?

Jamie
Chewed my tongue off. The amount of pain I would’ve been in, choking to death on mouth blood wouldn’t be so bad.

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