Daily Dialogue: My Friend, the Leech

Everyday, except that one day, I spend 40 minutes with two women in my head and write whatever they say. No, it’s not psychotic.

Gwen
I need a favor.

Sherri
Another one?

Gwen
This one’s really important.

Sherri
Like the other ones?

Gwen
I’m serious. I need a ride.

Sherri
When?

Gwen
Tomorrow morning. There’s this guy I met online who I’ve been talking to for a while and I really like. I wanted to surprise him with a present.

Sherri
Why the morning?

Gwen
That’s when he goes to school. I wanted to give him his present in front of his friends.

Sherri
Cool. What college?

Gwen
No, not college.

Sherri
Ok, what university?

Gwen
Not university, either.

Sherri
Ok…?

Gwen
That high school on the hill.

Sherri
You’re hitting on one of the teachers?

Gwen
Oh, fuck no. I’m not that desperate. It’s one of the students.

Sherri
Students? But you’re 20.

Gwen
And he’s 15. We’re within the safe walls of statutory rape.

Sherri
I can’t believe you’re pursuing a relationship with statutory rape being a possibility.

Gwen
But it’s not!

Sherri
You’re trying to date a child, Gwen!

Gwen
He’s mature for his age, and this would’ve been fine a hundred years ago.

Sherri
People got lynched a hundred years ago. I don’t think anyone wants those good times back unless their last name is either Hatfield or McCoy.

Gwen
The heart wants what the heart wants. I thought you’d understand. You’ve never been loved and you have an opportunity to help someone achieve it. A friend! You’re gonna abandon a friend in her time of need?

Sherri
I wanna be a good friend, but–

Gwen
But what? It’s not child molesting. I’m not asking for much. Just for you to take me to that high school in the morning and watch me put a smile on my almost-man’s face. You want to help love, don’t you? You don’t want anyone to be as miserable as you, do you?

Sherri
Do you have any gas money?

Gwen
I spent all my spare dough on the present.

Sherri
Couldn’t you return it for a cheaper gift?

Gwen
It’s not a gift, it’s a present. Presents are presented, which is what I’m gonna do. With your help.

Sherri
Couldn’t you get a cheaper present, then?

Gwen
Can’t. It just came in from Japan.

Sherri
Japan? What did you get?

Gwen
A lady never tells. Look, are you gonna help me or be a bad friend?

Sherri
…I’ll help you.

Gwen
Oh, thank you! I’ll remember this forever! Things are gonna go so great for me and him after this. I feel it.

Sherri
When was the last time you saw each other?

Gwen
Tomorrow’s gonna be the first time.

Sherri
Do you at least know what he looks like?

Gwen
Of course. I’m not stupid. We send pics of each other all the time.

Sherri
What kind of pics?

Gwen
Of us doing random stuff, like hugging pillows or eating burgers.

Sherri
So that’s why you made me take that pic at Wendy’s.

Gwen
Exactly. We also send pics for, y’know, each other’s spank bank.

Sherri
What… do you mean?

Gwen
I don’t think I should have to spell it out for you, adult one.

Sherri
You have sexual pics of a 15-year-old on your phone?

Gwen
And on my laptop. What’s your point?

Sherri
That’s child porn, you fucking retard!

Gwen
No, it’s not! Fifteen is the legal age here when someone can get into a sexual relationship. Plus, I’m only five years older, which makes things super-safe for me and him.

Sherri
You’re nuts.

Gwen
And you’re close-minded. You’re supposed to be supportive. I helped you with Lane, didn’t I?

Sherri
Lane said I came on too hard, according to you.

Gwen
That’s your fault, not mine. Likewise, those times at the club you came home alone weren’t my fault. You must give off some sort of aura that keeps people away. I tried to set you up with Nadine, but you weren’t having any of that.

Sherri
Because I’m not gay!

Gwen
You never know unless you try.

Sherri
There’s nothing about women that attracts me sexually. Nothing.

Gwen
Well, you could’ve been nicer to Nadine about it.

Sherri
She practically had her hand down my bra!

Gwen
Yeah? Didn’t need to smack her, though.

Sherri
Why am I friends with you?

Gwen
What did you say?

Sherri
Why the fuck am I friends with you?! You’ve done nothing in the years I’ve known you except think about yourself! You got something from Japan for a TEENAGER you’ve never met, but I can’t remember the last time you got me anything except a lot of fucking grief! You’re like a negative version of me!

Gwen
Nega-Me, eh? Well, allow Nega-Me to tell you why the fuck you should be glad to have me in your life. I’m the only one who puts up with your Silent Bob bullshit. You think it’s cute or whatever, being a social retard, but it’s sad. You wanna know why no guys wanna bother with you? Because they’re fucking terrified of you. You’re like a fucking ghost, and no one can do anything with or to a ghost. You’re pathetic, and I’m the only one who bothers with you. You think it’s cool that I’m the only person you’ve said more than two words to? That I have to explain to people that you’re not a fucking mute? Fuck you. You’re with me because I put up with YOU. I put up with you. Your whining about not finding love, your inability to hold a decent conversation. Everything. And I hate to tell you but there’s gonna be a day when I get bored with you. Then Nega-Me won’t be around anymore to try wiping the pathetic off of you. Then you’re gonna drown in it, or your own blood because you’re tired of your empty fucking existence. So shut the fuck up and be at my house at six tomorrow morning.

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