Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy (almost) Go Driving

Today’s slight change of pace is me using two women who already exist to wander through creative chaos for 40 minutes. Luckily, one is used to chaos and the other is used to her chaos.

Harley
Hey, Red! I found it, I found it!

Ivy
Found what? Oh no.

Harley
Oh yes! My car keys! Ya know what that means?

Ivy
That even the DMV has no shame?

Harley
Don’t blame them, I had the place at gun point until they were ready for my close-up.

Ivy
I’d say I was surprised, but you’re the woman who held up a kid for his ice cream cone.

Harley
He was askin’ for it, Red! It should be a federal offense to let a cookie dough double scoop drip onto anything except a mouth. Or a chest. Or a–

Ivy
Where are we going? Please don’t say ice cream.

Harley
What kinda doof do ya take me for, Red?

Ivy
With or without that spinach on your chin?

Harley
Holee Popeye-roni! Why didn’t ya tell me it was there?

Ivy
…I just did?

Harley
A likely story. We’re goin’ ta the beach!

Ivy
It’s February. In Gotham. Mr. Freeze is even staying in.

Harley
Exactomundo my point!

Ivy
Huh?

Harley
Everyone’s inside, so there’s no one outside. And what’s the worst part of the beach?

Ivy
The autistic fish in the water due to the mercury being dumped in it and poisoning my precious Earth?

Harley
Close, but way off. The people, silly! If it’s colder than a witch’s teet out there, ya can bet we’re the only ones smart enough ta take advantage!

Ivy
Don’t you mean stupid enough?

Harley
Besides, I’m sure those Rain Man fishies are frozen ta death by now. Earth sure is ripe for mercy-killings, donchya know?

Ivy
In fact, I feel one coming along if you’re serious.

Harley
What? Why?

Ivy
Because of the hypothermia, maybe?

Harley
What’s that?

Ivy
When stupidity meets ice.

Harley
Huh?

Ivy
You know about Mr. Freeze’s frozen wife?

Harley
Of course!

Ivy
Well, hypothermia is what happens when you’re like her except you don’t have a creeper trying to thaw you out.

Harley
But… But you’ll die.

Ivy
Precisely.

Harley
Holee Jack-from-Titanic-a-roni! The beach is a stupid idea!

Ivy
Glad you’ve come around to my line of thought.

Harley
My pale white ass would become a snow white ass! And I hate Disney!

Ivy
Ok, that’s enough.

Harley
Those dwarves would–

Ivy
That spinach is still on your chin.

Harley
No more Special Ivy Salads for this one.

Ivy
But you said that you liked my salad.

Harley
Not if I’m gonna have pieces of it stuck ta my face! If people laugh at spinach in teeth, I won’t need Smilex after one of your meals.

Ivy
Well, if you didn’t stick your face in it, you might not have to worry about leaving a mess.

Harley
But ya like when I stick my face in it…

Ivy
Later. What are we gonna do about your car problem?

Harley
What car problem?

Ivy
You found your keys and wanna go somewhere, right?

Harley
Holee Kerouac-a-roni! You’re right!

Ivy
Such is my dilemma. Since your beach idea is dead like arguments against same-sex marriage–

Harley
And how!

Ivy
I think I should come up with an idea.

Harley
But it’s my car…

Ivy
You still have spinach on your chin.

Harley
Damnit!

Ivy
I say ice skating.

Harley
I say why.

Ivy
I say because it’s fun and it’s in the park and I wanna tell my frozen trees that Mama still cares for them. Poor babies.

Harley
I say ok! It’ll give me a chance ta practice for my next roller derby gig.

Ivy
You do know that rollerblades don’t work on ice, right?

Harley
I… My world is torn asunder! These tootsies wanna move! These hips wanna sway! These fists wanna punch!

Ivy
Maybe we can make a pair of ice skates… Do you have an old pair of rollerblades?

Harley
No, I stick with one pair. It makes me appreciate them and not try ta beat anyone with them if I lose a match.

Ivy
I see.

Harley
But! I have shoes! Lotsa, lotsa shoes!

Ivy
Let’s go with a warm pair of boots. Do you have any ugg boots?

Harley
What am I, infectious human waste?

Ivy
That was a test, hun.

Harley
Yay, I passed! What do I get?

Ivy
That spinach off your chin. Now get me two sharp things.

Harley
You’re lookin’ at ’em!

Ivy
Put those away.

Harley
Fine… I come with kniiiiives!

Ivy
Goody. Are any of them matching?

Harley
What kind of psychotic buys matching knives?

Ivy
Ok, you have a point.

Harley
Two of ’em!

Ivy
I said put those away.

Harley
Ok… Whatcha doin’?

Ivy
Making you ice skates, doof.

Harley
Ooo! Why is one higher than the other?

Ivy
Because you’re not the kind of psychopath who has matching knives.

Harley
But I come with kniiiiiiiiiiives!

Ivy
I’m suddenly angry at myself for playing that song for you.

Harley
Aw, don’t be that way, Red!

Ivy
In any case, you’re gonna have to skate with a limp.

Harley
Holee Nancy-Kerrigan-roni!

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2 Responses to “Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy (almost) Go Driving”

  1. I really like your style.

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