Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Are Doctor Who

In this world, there are no absolutes. Starting today, I’m gonna change that. It was a lot of fun writing these two gals last week that I’m gonna try working with them every Friday. A great way to kick off the weekend, wouldn’t you say? Let’s see where 40 minutes will take us.

Harley
Guess what I found, Red!

Ivy
An attention span?

Harley
Oh, you. Ya know I’m a poster child for Attention Defi… Where’d that wall come from?

Ivy
I guess not.

Harley
I’m just funning ya. Go on, guess!

Ivy
I honestly don’t know. The last time we played this game, you had a bus engine.

Harley
Putt-Putt!

Ivy
Since then, I’ve learned not to play and just cut to the chase.

Harley
A TARDIS!

Ivy
A what?

Harley
That thing!

Ivy
A big blue box? Why’d you bring home a big blue box?

Harley
Open the doors!

Ivy
There are doors? Where?

Harley
On the other side, silly.

Ivy
Oh. I’m not gonna find a corpse inside, am I? It’s never funny.

Harley
Better!

Ivy
Dirt is better than a corpse.

Harley
C’mon, stop being a party-pooper and just open the doors!

Ivy
It’s locked.

Harley
Oh yeah, lemme snap.

Ivy
What the… It’s bigger on–

Harley
It’s bigger on the inside! I know, I know!

Ivy
Who did you steal this from?

Harley
Red, I am hurt. Is the only way ya think I could get such a trinket is by theft?

Ivy
Yup.

Harley
Yer half-right.

Ivy
Half? Two-Face had this?

Harley
Nah, he found Netflix so we won’t be seeing that ray of sunshine for quite some time. Maybe never!

Ivy
Then where’d you get it?

Harley
Ya know how I go on my daily strolls?

Ivy
No.

Harley
Holee absentee-friend-a-roni! How could ya not notice?

Ivy
Just get back to your story.

Harley
So I was going for my stroll when I heard an weird sound. Y’know that sound Penguin makes after going up a few steps?

Ivy
Heh, yeah.

Harley
It was just like that! So I decided that I was gonna help the bird-man out, ’cause he mighta been in trouble, y’know? But it wasn’t him! It was this box!

Ivy
So how did you half-steal it?

Harley
Well, that’s a funny story.

Ivy
I’m sure.

Harley
An angry Scotsman stepped outta it and started screaming at everything. He dressed kinda like a magician. Then a woman came out and tried calming him down.

Ivy
Zatanna?

Harley
No, she was boring and English. She might’ve been a teacher or something.

Ivy
Why were they in the box?

Harley
My thoughts exactly, Red! But I had a great reason to investigate.

Ivy
What?

Harley
My breakfast was wrasslin’ with my tummy and I had to use the bathroom in THE worst way!

Ivy
You didn’t…

Harley
It looked like a port-a-potty! They were two blocks away by then, so I snuck in and somehow managed to keep everything inside me.

Ivy
I hope so. What is it?

Harley
I think it’s a teleporter.

Ivy
Is that what the T stands for?

Harley
Whatcha mean?

Ivy
TARDIS sounds like an acronym.

Harley
Holee spell-check-a-roni! You’re right!

Ivy
How do you know it’s called a TARDIS?

Harley
I heard the magician scream it while pointing at it a few times.

Ivy
So, if T means “teleporter.”

Harley
Or “teleporting.” Or “teleported.”

Ivy
Ok, I think we know the base word.

Harley
Teleported Away Really Damn Ignobly Stationary. I think I have a nosebleed.

Ivy
After pulling out “ignobly,” I can’t say I’m surprised.

Harley
Hey, I gotta use that college education somehow!

Ivy
How do you know it teleports?

Harley
I flipped a few levers, it made a vworp-vworp sound–

Ivy
Vworp-vrorp?

Harley
Yeah, that wheezing, groaning sound Penguin makes.

Ivy
That’s a… WEEEEE-uh, WEEEEEEEEE-uh sound.

Harley
Yeah!

Ivy
How does that equal vworp-vworp?

Harley
I’m crazy, ok?

Ivy
That works in Arkham, not with me.

Harley
Can I talk about how it teleports now?

Ivy
Sure.

Harley
So, I flipped some switches and it made the sound and I opened the door and there was a dinosaur and I did it again and there was a space battle and I did it again and I saw Marie Antoinette get beheaded and I did it again and I was here.

Ivy
It sounds like a time machine, not a teleporter.

Harley
But I ended up in France! You can’t travel through time AND space. I read Popular Science.

Ivy
Maybe this can.

Harley
Aw, man… I don’t wanna think of another acronym…

Ivy
Forget the acronyms.

Harley
Yay!

Ivy
We gotta figure out how to use this.

Harley
Yeah! Why?

Ivy
We have a machine that can cut through time and space–

Harley
And it’s bigger on the inside!

Ivy
That’s right, dear.

Harley
Hee!

Ivy
Do you know how much good we can do for Earth? How many ecological wrongs we can fix?

Harley
Can we meet Edgar Allan Poe first?

Ivy
To save Earth, we can even bring him along.

Harley
Quoth the Quinn, hooray!

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