Daily Dialogue: A Dream Denied

Two imaginary women wax poetical and such for 40 minutes a day while I write it all down.

Christina
I feel miserable.

Sara
I would, too, after how much you put away. Were you drinking to forget or something?

Christina
Or something. That’s not why I feel miserable, though. I mean, I feel miserable because I’m hungover, but that’s not the feeling of miserable I’m talking about. Does that make sense?

Sara
You made me try to match you drink for drink, so no. I’m amazed I still know English.

Christina
I did something I never thought I would.

Sara
Sleep face-up? Because that’s how Hendrix and Jesse’s girl died.

Christina
I’m being serious.

Sara
And I’m trying to take my mind off my searing headache. Water. And pills. You want some?

Christina
Yeah, thanks. So, my problem.

Sara
Here you go.

Christina
Thanks. My problem.

Sara
Yeah.

Christina
It sounds so fucking stupid.

Sara
Why?

Christina
I don’t know. It’s either because I could’ve stayed or because I’m complaining.

Sara
I’m hungover, remember? Just because I popped a few pills doesn’t mean I wanna crack anyone’s Matrix. Simple and clean, Christina.

Christina
I dreamt that I had the perfect lover, and I woke myself up before I could enjoy it.

Sara
Enjoy it? You mean fishing for a wet dream?

Christina
No, I mean enjoy it. Spend a lifetime with them in limbo or whatever.

Sara
How long did you two spend together?

Christina
She said “hi” and extended her hand.

Sara
Uh huh. How do you know she’s your perfect love?

Christina
Because she looked like how I want her to look. And the dream told me she was, as dreams do.

Sara
One time, I dreamt a woman threw up in a thong she was wearing. I figured out what that meant after looking it up.

Christina
There’s an entry in dream dictionaries for that?

Sara
No, silly. You have to break down the image and look up the pieces, then add them up. The thong and sitting and vomit meant certain things, and I knew the woman.

Christina
Who was she?

Sara
You don’t know her. She was a bitch, anyway.

Christina
Fair enough. What did the dream mean?

Sara
That she only wanted me for selfish reasons.

Christina
Was the dream right?

Sara
Oh yeah. Big time.

Christina
So you think dreams are fortune tellers?

Sara
Pfft, no. They’re just your subconscious trying to tell you something. It was telling me what I refused to believe, and I paid for it.

Christina
Oh. Well, it’s not my subconscious that’s the problem. It’s me.

Sara
Yeah, it looked like it was giving you everything you wanted and you threw it away.

Christina
Thanks for being supportive.

Sara
It’s just so weird. I’ve never heard of someone NOT wanting the perfect person for them. Especially with the life you have. You’d think a single mother would’ve had that dream, sniffed some chloroform, and had that dream for a long time.

Christina
I’d think so, too! And that’s what’s fucking with me!

Sara
Was your kid in it?

Christina
Nope. It was like he didn’t exist. It was just me and Mercury.

Sara
Your perfect love’s name is Mercury?

Christina
It was on her name tag.

Sara
She had a name tag? Why Mercury? Could it have been a man?

Christina
No.

Sara
Why not? Women are from Venus and men are from Mercury, you know.

Christina
Because Mercury was my favorite character on a show I watched growing up, and my Mercury wore her clothes.

Sara
Ah. Did Mercury and Mercury have the same face?

Christina
No, my Mercury had another woman’s face.

Sara
And you forced yourself awake? How does that work?

Christina
Exactly as it sounds. I was about to have a fun dream life and I forced myself to wake up.

Sara
Could mean that you don’t want her.

Christina
Oh, I want her.

Sara
Then it means you don’t feel you’ve earned her.

Christina
That’s…

Sara
True?

Christina
…maybe.

Sara
Well, what else could it mean?

Christina
Ok, it means I haven’t earned her.

Sara
Score one for the hungover chum.

Christina
That’s just so messed up.

Sara
Is it really? I mean, are you at a point in your life where you feel you’ve earned someone like Mercury?

Christina
I’m an unexpectant mother who’s a register jockey. I ain’t earned nothing except a backache.

Sara
I rest my case. Or your case. It just seems like your subconscious tried to give you a goal or a break and you were all “woe is me.”

Christina
How could I not? No one decent wants a woman with a child, gay or straight. If someone does want me, I’d probably have to take care of them and my boy. Fuck that. Fuck. That. So I’m stuck with self-pity.

Sara
Maybe that’s a sign you should start taking care of yourself.

Christina
How?

Sara
Have you ever thought of putting him in a foster home?

Christina
No.

Sara
Not every woman’s made to be a mother. Just because the wiring works doesn’t mean we’re all meant to work that machine. It sounds bad, but you’re already miserable and it’s only gonna get worse when he starts walking.

Christina
I don’t wanna be a bad mother, though.

Sara
I say this as a friend. You’re a bad mother. You’re not even good at pets.

Christina
Heh, not at all.

Sara
Don’t cry. Think of it this way. He’ll have a mother who won’t mind changing his diapers or paying for his tuition. You’ll get another start, one where you won’t make the same mistakes again.

Christina
You’re damn right, I won’t.

Sara
Plus, you won’t have DCFS at your door in a few years. You don’t have to decide now. Give yourself a while, ok? Now stop crying.

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