Daily Dialogue: Happy Birthday

Forty minutes a day, I write the brain droppings of two imaginary women. Or rather, in today’s case, a woman and a girl.

Cheryl
This hike is fun, Mom!

Mom
Yeah… fun. Remind me why you wanted to do this for your birthday.

Cheryl
Because it’s nice to get out of the house and into nature once in a while.

Mom
I don’t think we’ve passed a single person on this trail.

Cheryl
Those idiots are probably inside watching the series finale of that show, and missing these wonders.

Mom
That’s right now? Crap, did I set the DVR? I’ll call home and check.

Cheryl
Methinks you’ll have a problem…

Mom
Why is there no service here? Mount Everest has WiFi but I can’t get a signal here?

Cheryl
Because it’s nature! And activists got a bill passed. Said the radio waves screwed with the squirrels or whatever. It’s just us up here, with no disturbances.

Mom
Oh. I’m so glad.

Cheryl
C’mon, Mom, I thought you’d be happy to be with me. I’m happy to be with you. I only get one chance to be nine, and I’m glad you’re here with me.

Mom
I am happy.

Cheryl
Yeah, sure.

Mom
I’m happy! I just wish I set the DVR.

Cheryl
There’s OnDemand, Mom.

Mom
Oh yeah. Yeah! Let’s get hiking! Where are we going?

Cheryl
To the top.

Mom
All the way to the top? Can’t you take it easy on your mom? I mean, you’re nine. I’m not.

Cheryl
Ok… I guess. Where do you wanna stop?

Mom
Anywhere that’s not the top.

Cheryl
A step before the top?

Mom
No.

Cheryl
Two steps?

Mom
If I didn’t believe in not beating my kids…

Cheryl
Ok, ok. What about the next pine tree we see?

Mom
Pine tree? Yeah, I can do that. Pine tree. Yeah. Let’s find it.

Cheryl
Yay!

Mom
Just be careful. I don’t want an angry bear to come after us.

Cheryl
Why would a bear come after us?

Mom
I dunno, bear reasons? Animals don’t make sense anymore.

Cheryl
I think you just don’t pay attention to animals.

Mom
Hey, I respect their space and they respect mine. I stay away from anywhere that smells like pee and–

Cheryl
EWWWWWWWW! Mom!

Mom
What? Oh, come on, you do it everyday.

Cheryl
I don’t wanna hear about this.

Mom
You used to do it in a diaper, too. Someone had to wipe you and change you…

Cheryl
Mom!

Mom
And then there were the times you made sticky boom-boom.

Cheryl
Mo– MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Mom
Cheryl! Baby, are you ok?! Baby, can you hear me?! I’m coming down, just stay there!!

Cheryl
Mom…?

Mom
I’m coming, baby!

Cheryl
Mom, I hurt all over.

Mom
It’ll be ok, baby! Just keep talking so I can find you!

Cheryl
Mom, I think… something’s broken.

Mom
Don’t say that, sweetie! I’m almost there! I’m almost– Oh no.

Cheryl
What is it, Mom? Why do I hurt… all over? I can’t see…

Mom
Don’t move! Just don’t move and-and–

Cheryl
Mom, you’re scaring me…

Mom
HELP!! HELP, SOMEBODY!!

Cheryl
No one’s gonna hear you… Remember?

Mom
Then I’ll call–

Cheryl
Phones don’t work, either… Is it that bad, Mom? Is it why I can’t see?

Mom
Cheryl… I’m gonna get help.

Cheryl
Please don’t leave me, Mommy.

Mom
But I have to, baby.

Cheryl
Please… Don’t…

Mom
But we need to get you some help.

Cheryl
I’m cold…

Mom
You’re cold?

Cheryl
I watched enough movies… to know what’s… next…

Mom
I can’t lose you, baby. I can’t lose you.

Cheryl
But I’m gonna die…

Mom
You are NOT gonna die.

Cheryl
I don’t wanna… alone… I want you here… Mommy, please don’t… please don’t…

Mom
Ok, baby. I’ll stay.

Cheryl
Can we… make up Heaven until I… I…

Mom
We can do whatever you want, baby.

Cheryl
I wanna make it… pink…

Mom
I don’t think the guys up there would like it.

Cheryl
It’s… my birthday… They’ll understand…

Mom
That’s right. It’s your birthday.

Cheryl
I… I don’t blame you… Mommy… I’m glad we… we had today… even if I made you… miss your… show…

Mom
Oh, fuck the show.

Cheryl
Mommy… language…

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