Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Bring Sexy Back

It’s Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy Day! Let’s see what sort of madness they’re up to.

Ivy
What’s wrong with your face?

Harley
I’m blue, Red…

Ivy
No, you’re chalk-white.

Harley
I mean in-SIDE.

Ivy
But guts are pink.

Harley
Geez, can’t a college grad be poetical once inna while?

Ivy
Oh, you meant you’re sad.

Harley
Yeah! Yeah…

Ivy
Sometimes you’re a bit literal, so don’t blame me misunderstanding. Like that time you said you felt ten feet tall.

Harley
It was a tall tree!

Ivy
Why are you sad? Blue?

Harley
Because no one wants me…

Ivy
Aww, poor thing. I want you.

Harley
It’s not tha same, Red.

Ivy
You don’t have to try to bring me down with you.

Harley
I didn’t mean it that way! I’ll always want my patch of moss and peach. Who knew they’d go so well together?

Ivy
How did you mean it?

Harley
I need a man!

Ivy
What kind?

Harley
Why, ya got any?

Ivy
I might.

Harley
Really?!

Ivy
There’s a party at a classy hotel tonight full of millionaire hypocrites. I was thinking about raiding it and… procuring support for environmental causes. If I can also get my friend laid, where’s the wrong?

Harley
Where’s the wrong, indeed!

Ivy
But why do you feel no one wants you? Have you seen the girls at comic conventions?

Harley
But there’s no follow-through, Red! All tha guys and gals look, but they don’t touch. I wanna be touched, damnit!

Ivy
It’s pretty common, actually. Happens to me all the time. Except with jerks and dude-bros. But I handle them.

Harley
With extreme prejudice?

Ivy
Is there no other kind with those types?

Harley
If there is, I don’t wanna know about it. So, what’s tha problem ya have that I do?

Ivy
Being the prettiest one in the room.

Harley
Ain’t that tha truth…

Ivy
Everyone assumes that since I’m me, I’m already taken.

Harley
That does make a kinda sorta little lotta sense.

Ivy
And if I could be so bold…

Harley
Be tha Sharpie!

Ivy
Your look might be a little intimidating.

Harley
I can’t help my skin and hair color! It’s cuz of my ex-puddin’!

Ivy
I know, and I wasn’t talking about that. People love pale women with bi-colored hair. It’s… everything else.

Harley
But I like my handlebars…

Ivy
Well, tonight you’re gonna put them away.

Harley
Just tonight?

Ivy
If you want a man for longer, you’ll have to–

Harley
Eff that! No man, woman, child, animal, vegetable, or mineral is worth me permanently changing myself. Anymore.

Ivy
Then it’s just tonight. Let’s start with your hair. I think the Louise Brooks look would work for you.

Harley
Louise? Louise?! Yer gonna make me look like a broad named Louise?!

Ivy
Look her up on your smartphone you stole from that kid.

Harley
Hey, if he appreciated it, he wouldn’ta let it go after only ONE gut-punch. Ooo, she’s pretty! I want her helmet hair! I want it I want it I want it!

Ivy
I’ll chop up a wig, then.

Harley
Yay!

Ivy
They say clothes make the man, but I feel the reverse is true.

Harley
I don’t have those parts…

Ivy
I wasn’t– We need to give you a personality to fit the crime.

Harley
What crime? Who told you?!

Ivy
The heads you’re gonna make explode at the hotel while I… procure things.

Harley
Oh! Right! Gotcha! Hey… What’s wrong with my charming eccentricity?

Ivy
Not a thing, but I don’t think it’s right for tonight. Remember when you tossed that monkey into that lion’s den?

Harley
Hee, yeah.

Ivy
That monkey didn’t like it, did it?

Harley
No, but that lion liked that monkey.

Ivy
That monkey would’ve wanted to be with other monkeys, wouldn’t it?

Harley
Or at least outta that lion.

Ivy
It’s the same thing tonight.

Harley
Ya want me to fling my poo?

Ivy
No! I want you to pretend that you fit in!

Harley
Oh! Right! Gotcha!

Ivy
And the best way for a woman to fit in with millionaires is to distract them with sex appeal.

Harley
Hey, I’m–

Ivy
Let’s leave the lying for the professional liars. Now, you can be sexy or S-E-exy.

Harley
What’s tha diff?

Ivy
You can either be Britney Spears in that “Stronger” video–

Harley
With tha chair?

Ivy
Yeah.

Harley
Ooo…

Ivy
Or you can be Kylie Minogue in–

Harley
Kylie Minogue.

Ivy
Oh yeah?

Harley
She was never not-hot. Even in that “Locomotion” video.

Ivy
I think she was 16 then…

Harley
And I’m younger than her, so it’s not jailbait.

Ivy
Uh… huh.

Harley
Can I bring one of those robo-broncos?

Ivy
One of those what?

Harley
Ya know, a mechanical bull. Kylie rode one of those in a lingerie commercial. I think I could make it work.

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