Daily Dialogue: A Sickly, Sexy Thing

For 40 minutes a day, as I slip back into the old routine, I get two imaginary women to gab with wild abandon.

Adelaide
Welcome back.

Lydia
Thanks.

Adelaide
Where’d you go, anyway?

Lydia
To find myself.

Adelaide
Did you?

Lydia
I caught a cold. And I’d rather not think of the existential implications of that, so please don’t ask about it.

Adelaide
Fair enough.

Lydia
And do you know the worst part?

Adelaide
I thought I couldn’t ask any questions.

Lydia
You’re not, I am.

Adelaide.
Right. No.

Lydia
ACHOO! I sneeze instead of cough whenever I have a cold.

Adelaide
You’re a weirdo.

Lydia
Don’t you think I know that? And my nose runs so slowly. Like, it takes hours for it to get out of my nose.

Adelaide
Ew.

Lydia
And blowing it takes longer. Well, at least the goo isn’t pee-green.

Adelaide
You’ve had green pee?

Lydia
What? Never.

Adelaide
Then why’d you say that?

Lydia
People say pee-green all the time.

Adelaide
News to me. Mine was never green.

Lydia
Mine either.

Adelaide
So stop spreading the propaganda.

Lydia
Fine. And another thing I hate about colds is that my nose always burns.

Adelaide
From blowing it so much? Me too.

Lydia
No, not that. You know that burn you get sometimes before you sneeze?

Adelaide
Oh, I hate that.

Lydia
Try putting up with that AND being sick.

Adelaide
I’m so sorry. Do you want me to put you out of your misery?

Lydia
Maybe a few days ago. Now it’s not so bad.

Adelaide
Oh, that’s good. My offer still stands, though. I refuse to let a friend live with that level of torment.

Lydia
What more could I ask for?

Adelaide
A new nose.

Lydia
Yeah…

Adelaide
Where’d you catch your cold at?

Lydia
Making the wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Adelaide
Huh?

Lydia
Nothing. I dunno where it happened.

Adelaide
How’d you go about finding yourself? And why did you need to?

Lydia
Trying to find myself. And I did things I thought I liked because I’ve felt lost lately.

Adelaide
How lately?

Lydia
Since New Year’s.

Adelaide
Maybe because you threw up so much that you left a chunk of your brain floating.

Lydia
That’s gross.

Adelaide
You told me to–

Lydia
ACHOO!

Adelaide
–shoehorn that incident into any convo I could to remind you never to do it again.

Lydia
Oh. Right.

Adelaide
Did it work?

Lydia
Yeah, I still never wanna drink again.

Adelaide
Great.

Lydia
But no, it’s not because of my… accident.

Adelaide
Then why?

Lydia
Part of finding myself was to find out why I was finding myself.

Adelaide
And instead, you caught a cold.

Lydia
Yeah… What did you do while I was gone?

Adelaide
Got laid a few times and tried my hand at the stock game.

Lydia
Wow, those are really random.

Adelaide
I figured that since I’ve seen “Wolf of Wall Street,” I couldn’t get suckered into any tricks.

Lydia
Did you?

Adelaide
Nope! But I suck at picking stocks.

Lydia
That’s ACHOO! Terrible. Ah, fuck! My back!

Adelaide
You sneezed so hard that you hurt your back? Wow.

Lydia
I hate colds. So, you suck at stocks.

Adelaide
Equally as much as cock, but only one pays off in my favor. Eventually.

Lydia
You know, I could never get used to having one in my mouth.

Adelaide
You’d probably chomp one off with your back-aching sneezes over there.

Lydia
Great, another complex to have.

Adelaide
You can’t have a complex over something you don’t do.

Lydia
I… can?

Adelaide
No, you can’t.

Lydia
Oh. It’s a shame, though.

Adelaide
What, not liking giving head? Why? You like to fuck, right?

Lydia
I love it as much as I hate colds.

Adelaide
What’s the problem?

Lydia
Dunno… Just seems quicker to do, I guess. Sometimes I don’t wanna go through the process of getting wet, fitting him in, then wearing a pad.

Adelaide
Uh… Why would you wear a pad?

Lydia
Sometimes he finished inside ACHOO! Me. I’m on the pill, so I’m not worried. But his leavins don’t get hoovered by my womb. Most of it runs. Like my nose.

Adelaide
Ok, I’m never getting a cold again. Vitamin C overdose, here I come.

Lydia
What? You can’t tell me you’ve never have that running problem.

Adelaide
I have, but I just don’t talk about it.

Lydia
Why not? It’s embarrassing, sure, but that’s why I use the pad.

Adelaide
I’d rather not.

Lydia
You’d rather have sticky inner thighs all night?

Adelaide
I’d rather not talk about it.

Lydia
But you brought up head.

Adelaide
Yeah, to…

Lydia
To what?

Adelaide
To maybe mock your inability to do it.

Lydia
Oh, I get it. It’s ok to be the dirty one as long as it’s not disturbing you.

Adelaide
THANK you!

Lydia
It’s a great quick fix, though.

Adelaide
Speaking of quick, your only reason to wanna like head is because it’s quicker than sex? What about a hand job?

Lydia
I can do those.

Adelaide
Why do you need head, then? It’s essentially the same thing, just swap the dangers of nails with teeth.

Lydia
ACHOO! Or not.

Adelaide
Or not. Be glad with what you can do and not sad with what you can’t. I mean, you have two arms, right?

Lydia
Yeah…?

Adelaide
And two legs, right?

Lydia
That don’t get sticky because of leavins, yes.

Adelaide
Listen–

Lydia
ACHOO!

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2 Responses to “Daily Dialogue: A Sickly, Sexy Thing”

  1. This may be tmi, but I do the pad thing. I have a Paraguard IUD, and leaking fluid after sex is uncomfortable and destroys my underwear. Ew.

    • If there was ever a place for TMI, it’d be this post. You can take solace in the fact that you’re not the first woman here to have mentioned it. Lydia went a bit further than you in the talking, too. But seriously, it’s good that at least one woman admitted it. I heard a woman a few years ago talking about how a reason she didn’t wanna have sex was that she didn’t want the guy running down her leg all night. And that was the first time I thought about what Lydia calls leavins. I mean, I knew the bed was moist, but that’s as much her fault as it is the guy’s (if he believes in foreplay, and he should). But I never bothered to think about leavins until that woman said it. Then I thought about how to fix it. Sticking a towel up there and cleaning out what she could would take too long, and she’d probably be too sensitive for that sorta thing. Then pads came to me. They’d be used for the same basic reason, but the circumstance would be different. Tampons seemed like a disaster to me, for some reason. In any case, if any sexually-active woman reads this post and takes Lydia’s advice, great. I am pleasantly surprised that men enjoyed this post, too.

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