Daily Dialogue: The Pickle Pregancy

Forty minutes a day, I type the words of two made-up women. Or, in this case, girls.

Suzie
Where do babies come from?

Maisie
I think it’s the stork, but I only saw him with pickles.

Suzie
Storks have pickles?

Maisie
Yeah, on the TV.

Suzie
What’s a stork?

Maisie
It’s a birdy with white feathers and a loooooong nose. And, and a blue hat.

Suzie
Ooooooh! A stork! Yeah, it does have pickles.

Maisie
Told ya.

Suzie
Babies come from pickles?

Maisie
I guess so. My mommies say that I came from a stork and the storks I saws had pickles.

Suzie
I ate so many babies…

Maisie
Why are you eating babies?

Suzie
I didn’t mean to. I get them for snacks. I like snacks. Does that mean I’m gonna have babies?

Maisie
Why would eating pickles give you babies?

Suzie
Because maybe if I eat enough of them, they’ll make a baby. I eat lotsa pickles.

Maisie
Yeah, your breath smells like dookie.

Suzie
Pickles don’t smell like dookie!

Maisie
Then it smells like… pickle dookie.

Suzie
You’re a pickle dookie!

Maisie
Nuh-uh!

Suzie
Yes-huh!

Maisie
Nuh-uh!

Suzie
Yes-huh!

Maisie
Nuh-uh times infinity times infinity!

Suzie
Plus one.

Maisie
Times infinity!

Suzie
Plus one!

Maisie
Why do you always gotta be the best?

Suzie
It’s not my fault I can count past infinity.

Maisie
How did you do that?

Suzie
One time, I was at the beach and I counted every sand and I got past infinity.

Maisie
Wow… I played in the water.

Suzie
And that’s why you can’t count to infinity. You can’t never never never count water.

Maisie
Yes-huh!

Suzie
Nuh-uh!

Maisie
Stop being such a pessy-mist. You can do whatever you want. My mommies say so.

Suzie
Your mommies never tried counting water.

Maisie
But they’re right. When you told me that I snored, I knew you were a liar-liar. So I stayed up all night to see if I did. Guess what? I didn’t, Miss Pants-On-Fire.

Suzie
I still think you snore. But we gotta talk about my pickles now. And my babies!

Maisie
You’re really gonna have a baby?

Suzie
I gotta prepare, just in case.

Maisie
What are you gonna call it?

Suzie
Gotham.

Maisie
That sounds like a boy’s name. What if it’s a girl?

Suzie
Gotham.

Maisie
Why are you gonna call it that?

Suzie
Because when it’s crying, I can say that Gotham needs me.

Maisie
Ooo. I want a Gotham, too.

Suzie
Get your own. Eat pickles the stork gives out.

Maisie
But I hate pickles.

Suzie
Then you’re never never never getting a baby or a Gotham.

Maisie
I gotsa kitty, so I don’t need a baby. So there.

Suzie
You can’t change Darth Meowmers’ name to Gotham.

Maisie
I can call him whatever I want, he’s my kitty.

Suzie
You can’t name him Gotham! I took the name already!

Maisie
Where’s your baby?

Suzie
It’s… coming.

Maisie
Darth Meowmers is here now, so I can change his name to Gotham, so there.

Suzie
You’re a meanie.

Maisie
And you gots pickle dookie breath. But you’re still my friend.

Suzie
I don’t wanna be your friend anymore.

Maisie
Why?

Suzie
You stole my baby’s name and gave it to your kitty who already had a good name and I earned Gotham because I ate so many pickles And you say I have pickle dookie breath and–

Maisie
Ok, ok, you can have Gotham back, ok?

Suzie
Yay! You can be its auntie.

Maisie
I can?

Suzie
Yes-huh.

Maisie
Yay! What do aunties do?

Suzie
Mommy stuff when Mommy’s busy with friends or at the boat.

Maisie
Change diapers, too?

Suzie
Changing diapers is mommy stuff.

Maisie
But I don’t wanna clean up Gotham…

Suzie
No one LIKES cleaning boom-boom, but it’s gotta be done.

Maisie
If I gotsta change diapers, I want more than being an auntie.

Suzie
Like what?

Maisie
You know what I want.

Suzie
But… It’s my only one.

Maisie
It’s for Gotham. You’d do anything for Gotham, right?

Suzie
Yeah…

Maisie
Then give it to me.

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