Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy in “Chinese Democracy”

After taking a Friday off to write a magnum opus (ha), I’m getting back into the groove of my weekly promise. Spending 40 minutes every Friday writing Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy up to no good. Or some good. It’s hard to tell with those two.

Harley
Hey, Reeeeeeeeed. Oh, light of my life. Oh, reason ta live. Oh, mulch ta my–

Ivy
I get it. And, no, we’re not going.

Harley
Aww man! Why?

Ivy
Because the smell FINALLY got out of my hair since last time.

Harley
That’s what that was? But that was weeks ago!

Ivy
You’re not helping your argument.

Harley
Ah HA! An argument suggests a debate suggests that yer willing ta listen!

Ivy
Sometimes I hate that you were a psychiatrist.

Harley
It comes in handy. Like now! Why dontchya wanna go? It’s gotta go beyond stinky hair.

Ivy
You wanna know?

Harley
Of course!

Ivy
Do you really wanna know?

Harley
Share yer feelings with tha group.

Ivy
It’s because it’s something you wanna do.

Harley
Huh?

Ivy
Everything we do, it’s some idea you cooked up and I figure out a way to get something out of it. And that’s not fair. I thought we were friends. A little more than friends.

Harley
Aww, Red… Yer so right! How stupid of me! How selfish!

Ivy
It’s ok.

Harley
No, it’s terrible! Yer my little bundle of baby’s breath and pennyroyal! Whatcha wanna do?

Ivy
No, it’s fine.

Harley
Bullnookies! Tell me whatcha wanna do or else I’ll bite ya.

Ivy
That doesn’t sound so bad.

Harley
I didn’t say where.

Ivy
If I say it, will you do it?

Harley
Bite ya?

Ivy
No, do what I want.

Harley
Bite ya?

Ivy
I don’t want you to bite me!

Harley
Oh… Then sure. I guess…

Ivy
No matter what?

Harley
I guess…

Ivy
You can bite me later.

Harley
Yay!

Ivy
As for right now…

Harley
Yeah?

Ivy
I want to go to China.

Harley
Holee Sino-Cruise! I thought I was tha crazy one in this relationship!

Ivy
What?

Harley
China’s 20 hours away! Thataway!

Ivy
I know.

Harley
And, and, and we’re broke!

Ivy
Not anymore. I saved a sack of money from that heist from two months ago.

Harley
That’s why we came up short…

Ivy
Yeah, sorry. But I was saving up for China. Now we can go and live like queens.

Harley
I’d rather be a duchess.

Ivy
Why?

Harley
More letters, duh.

Ivy
Ok, we can be Queen Ivy and Duchess of Quinn.

Harley
Yay! How much did ya have in that sack?

Ivy
Around $500,000.

Harley
Yippee-skip! The Duchess of Quinn’s getting a yacht!

Ivy
No, she’s not.

Harley
Aww man. But–

Ivy
We’re going there for me, remember?

Harley
Yeah…

Ivy
And you get to bite me later, remember?

Harley
Yeah!

Ivy
So you don’t need a yacht.

Harley
Nope! Why do ya wanna go to China, anyway?

Ivy
It’s one of the biggest smog producers in the world. We’re gonna teach those responsible a lesson.

Harley
She wants revenge…

Ivy
Damn straight.

Harley
Heh. “Straight.”

Ivy
Quiet, you.

Harley
Mffgm!

Ivy
Not really “Quiet, you.”

Harley
So how’re we gonna teach those jerks a lesson? Grasper and Keeper?

Ivy
Who and who?

Harley
My mallet and my gun, silly.

Ivy
You have many a trick and wiggle, but I doubt even you could sneak them past TSA.

Harley
What TSA? I thought we were just gonna steal a jet.

Ivy
…oh yeah, we’re villains.

Harley
I’d like ta think we’re mistresses of our destiny.

Ivy
That’ll save us a few thousand bucks. Can you fly?

Harley
Not even on a bet! Et toi?

Ivy
No, cockpits make me nervous.

Harley
Heh. “Cockpit.”

Ivy
Out of the gutter.

Harley
But it’s soooo dirty!

Ivy
How are we gonna fly a jet?

Harley
Aw, Red. Did ya forget that ya brainwash people to kowtow to yer every whim? Work yer pheromone magic on a pilot! It’ll be queen training!

Ivy
What would I do without my Duchess?

Harley
Live with one less bite mark.

Ivy
Huh?

Harley
CHOMP!!

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