Daily Dialogue: Love Thyself

Today, for 40 minutes, I try to fight the good fight.

Yolandi
Why so glum, chum?

Martha
This magazine.

Yolandi
What about it?

Martha
Everything. Everything about it.

Yolandi
Why are you reading something like Cosmo, anyway?

Martha
All the women read it.

Yolandi
All the crazy women, you mean. That mag was made to breed complexes. I see an egg laid in your mind.

Martha
What’re you talking about? I hate eggs.

Yolandi
My Creative Writing degree is wasted on thee.

Martha
What do you know about tapeworms?

Yolandi
That they’re long and disgusting.

Martha
Don’t they make you hungry, too?

Yolandi
Yeah, and make you look like a cocaine model.

Martha
So they make you thinner, right?

Yolandi
And make you– Wait. No. Wait. Are you seriously thinking about giving yourself tapeworms?

Martha
No! Just one. It’s weird, yeah, but women are starting to do it to lose weight. And it works!

Yolandi
You do know that the only women who’d give themselves tapeworms are the kind of women who think– Wait, why are you trying to lose weight? You’re fine. And FINE.

Martha
My stomach–

Yolandi
Is fine.

Martha
Look at it! It hangs out over my pants!

Yolandi
Yeah, when you inhale, maybe. I’d kill to have your body. Or at least your boobs. I don’t even bother with bras anymore. Look at ’em!

Martha
Wow, I never noticed how flat you were.

Yolandi
Exactly. The only thing I have to look forward to when I’m 90 is that MAYBE my skin will be saggy enough that I’ll have SOMETHING hanging down. But, hey, at least I can just look down to see if I have cancer. With your boobs, you’re gonna have to do some serious digging to find your crabs.

Martha
I don’t have crabs, and you can’t get them in your breasts.

Yolandi
Cancer means “crabs” in some olde tyme language. Haven’t you ever wondered why Cancer the sign is a crab?

Martha
Yeah. That makes sense now.

Yolandi
So shut up about your boobs.

Martha
I never started. You did.

Yolandi
Oh yeah… But how can you miss ’em?

Martha
I could do something about these legs, too.

Yolandi
What?! Your legs are killer!

Martha
I have thunder thighs, Yolandi.

Yolandi
Then make it fucking rain, Martha. Slip on some thigh highs and a nice skirt, you’ll see.

Martha
I can’t wear nylons. My thighs rub together and I get an Indian burn sorta thing.

Yolandi
That’s so sad. But at least something touches. Look at these pins! My thigh gap is insane!

Martha
Does it whistle when the wind blows?

Yolandi
Ha. Ha. Hee. You’re gonna complain about your hips and ass next, right?

Martha
No. Yes.

Yolandi
And I’m gonna convince you that you’re stupid. Your hips and ass were meant to be held, girl.

Martha
Guys focus on my breasts, though. And, for some reason, I keep finding guys with small hands.

Yolandi
So they’d feel right at home on me. But tiny hands are creepy and ew, so fuck ’em. Well, not fuck ’em, but you get me.

Martha
Yeah, I got you.

Yolandi
Do you like it when a guy has a hand on your hips, or grabs your ass?

Martha
Heh, yeah. A little.

Yolandi
Don’t be coy.

Martha
It doesn’t happen nearly enough for me to enjoy it as much as I’d like, so I downplay it all.

Yolandi
Poor Tantalus.

Martha
Who?

Yolandi
He– Never mind. Do you feel better now?

Martha
No.

Yolandi
What? Why not?

Martha
Because I don’t have a body like Taylor Swift.

Yolandi
Taylor Swift doesn’t have a body like yours, so stop complaining.

Martha
You’re complaining, too!

Yolandi
Yeah, but I like my body.

Martha
How can you like your body and complain about it?

Yolandi
It’s not complaining so much as it’s me pointing out the cracks. I’m a beanpole. I’ll never be able to fill a bra and it’s a good thing I hate kids because these hips ain’t for bearing children. But my body’s awesome because it’s mine. I’ve got all my digits and limbs, my senses work, I have a great brain, and I can have orgasms. What more could I possibly want?

Martha
That works for you, but it’s different for me.

Yolandi
Why? You wanna switch bodies?

Martha
No.

Yolandi
Because I’d love to take yours for a test drive. You might not get it back exactly as you left it, though. You might be the good kind of sore in the right kind of places.

Martha
No. Would you stop doing that? Please?

Yolandi
Would you stop reading those stupid magazines? Please?

Martha
They’re not stupid.

Yolandi
“They’re not stupid?” They’ve turned a woman, my friend, with the awesome body into a neurotic wreck who thinks TAPEWORMS is a good diet plan. I guess, when I put it that way, they’re kinda clever. Because that’s the only reason why that could work. Martha.

Martha
Yeah?

Yolandi
You’re a fucking beautiful woman. A hundred pounds or two hundred pounds. You. Are. Beautiful. Now shut up and get us some ice cream.

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