Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy in “An Unlucky History Lesson”

My first Friday the 13th writing the girls… Better make these 40 minutes count.

Ivy
What are you doing?

Harley
I’m standing on my head!

Ivy
What are you doing?

Harley
I’m… standing… on my… head?

Ivy
Why don’t you have any clothes on?

Harley
Lost a bet!

Ivy
With who?

Harley
Myself.

Ivy
What did you bet yours– Never mind.

Harley
Great!

Ivy
That bleaching accident Joker put you through really took care of everything, didn’t it?

Harley
I gotsa a pure midnight tan!

Ivy
You sure do.

Harley
I can feel ya staring, Red.

Ivy
Sorry.

Harley
No, yer not.

Ivy
Not even a little bit.

Harley
And… done!

Ivy
Can you put on some clothes now?

Harley
But I gotta do my yoga jazzercise!

Ivy
After clothes.

Harley
Puritan!

Ivy
No, I’m trying to make sure I can think straight.

Harley
Ha! Straight!

Ivy
Yeah, yeah, clothes, yeah.

Harley
Yer a party pooper worthy of Exlax, y’know?

Ivy
Why is everyone acting weird today?

Harley
It’s a natural state of being for me!

Ivy
I wasn’t talking about you.

Harley
Oh… Do panties come on before or after yoga pants?

Ivy
I’ll just blindfold myself. You wear what you want.

Harley
After, then!

Ivy
I was in the rooftop garden and was relaxing from weeding all morning–

Harley
I hope these pasties stick on during jazzercizing.

Ivy
–when I saw a fight on the train platform. And a crowd burning someone in effigy on the beach. And a bunch of other weird things.

Harley
We got quite tha view up here, don’t we? Hey, these twirl! Wee!

Ivy
Don’t you think that’s weird? Even in this city?

Harley
Yeah, but it’s so hard making them twirl different ways at tha same time. Oh, THEM! Nah, it’s common for this time of year.

Ivy
What’s special about now?

Harley
Friday tha 13th. Didn’t you read Calendar Man’s flyer?

Ivy
That’s what was on my Tesla Roadster? I thought it was another damn store having another damn “Everything Must Go!” sale.

Harley
Tut-tut, Red. Anywho, this holiday brings out the weirdness of folk, either because they love it or because they’re triskaidekaphobic.

Ivy
…what?

Harley
They’re afraid of Friday the 13th, silly.

Ivy
They have a name for that?

Harley
They have a name for EVERYTHING. I turned my yoga pants into thigh highs!

Ivy
That’s nice. I’m still not taking off my blindfold.

Harley
Aw man…

Ivy
Why is this day such a big deal, anyway?

Harley
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when horsies pooped in tha streets and doctors thought that periods were caused by tha uterus roaming tha body like a drunk–

Ivy
Wait. Wait. Wait. Paid professionals. With degrees. Thought that was a valid reason?

Harley
Yup! We medical professionals are great, aren’t we? Anydoop, ya remember that REALLY looooooong war with tha bearded guys fighting other bearded guys?

Ivy
That’s every war that ever was and will be, hun.

Harley
The one about which side had tha false American Idol.

Ivy
The Crusades?

Harley
Yeah! Tha English bearded guys lost a fight on Friday tha 13th and decided ta roll it in horsie poop and hockey masks forever.

Ivy
Huh. That’s stupid.

Harley
Yup! Here’s another bit of unlucky numberness while I put on these zebra print undies.

Ivy
I love the zebra print undies…

Harley
Really? Fancy that, Fancy Feast.

Ivy
Leave the cat jokes for Selena.

Harley
Japan considers 88 to be an unlucky number. That’s why those guys called themselves that in that movie about that broad in tha Bruce Lee outfit.

Ivy
Oh!

Harley
And just ta prove how opposite cultures can be, tha Chinese believe that eight is tha luckiest number in tha whooooooole world. Tha more eights, tha better. Hey, if I push my boobies together, they make a sideways eight! And if I lean like this… I make an eight-eight!

Ivy
Good for you. Don’t fall on them.

Harley
Yer gonna have ta kiss ’em to make ’em feel better, if I do.

Ivy
I still don’t get why Friday the 13th gives people the right to be weird.

Harley
Yer just too much of a plant to appreciate human behavior these days. Like group psychosis! That’s always fun!

Ivy
Group psychosis is when a bunch of people act crazy at the same time, right?

Harley
Ya studied!

Ivy
More like you leave books in the bathroom.

Harley
Did you read tha chapter about tha town that danced itself ta death?

Ivy
Uh, no.

Harley
Truth! It happened one or two hundred years ago. The town caught such a bad case of Saturday Night Fever that they didn’t stop grooving until they croaked! Kinda like those Asians who play online games until they die. Oops, a pasty fell off!

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