Daily Dialogue: Growing Old is Getting Old

Camille
Happy birthday! What are ya, 80?

Tori
You’re off by two months, but thank you.

Camille
My clever ploy to find out your birthday was a success, then.

Tori
Generally, you don’t announce your “clever ploy” even after it’s done.

Camille
What are ya, 80?

Tori
I’ll be 51, thank you very much.

Camille
Wow, you’ve lived through Reaganomics…

Tori
I survived Reaganomics, you mean.

Camille
Does anyone really survive Reaganomics?

Tori
…no, not really.

Camille
I’ll just add this feather in my cap next to Macaroni.

Tori
What?

Camille
“He stuck a feather in his cap and called it ‘Macaroni.'”

Tori
Oh, that. I’m sorry, I stopped listening to children’s songs centuries ago.

Camille
Everyone knows that song!

Tori
Yeah, Pup-Pup.

Camille
Hey, I’m 32. That qualifies me to age-out of nicknames for kids.

Tori
I have almost 20 years on you, so I can call you what I want. Pup-Pup.

Camille
Whatever.

Tori
Hee hee hee.

Camille
Gonna twirl your wax moustache, too?

Tori
They still make those?

Camille
No, but they never expire so there’re WAREHOUSES full of ’em.

Tori
Happy birthday to me. Where’s my crowbar?

Camille
How do you feel about getting old?

Tori
I’m glad that I’m done with menopause, and I’m fucking ECSTATIC that I’m done with periods.

Camille
Twist the blade, why don’t you?

Tori
Nature’s still doing that to you monthly, so I don’t need to.

Camille
Ah, shut up.

Tori
Hee hee hee…

Camille
But seriously, how do you feel?

Tori
I was serious. I feel great.

Camille
Really?

Tori
Yeah.

Camille
Why?

Tori
Should I be dreading something? Besides going the way of all flesh? Because you get over that eventually, Pup-Pup.

Camille
I suggest a moratorium on that name.

Tori
Sure, Cornflake Girl.

Camille
…they come to you so easily, don’t they?

Tori
Decades of practice.

Camille
People look at you differently when you’re old.

Tori
People look at you differently when you’re young. As a woman in this sick, sad world, you’re a piece of meat that turns into a piece of shit. At least when I’m shit, I don’t have to worry about dude-bros.

Camille
They go away?

Tori
Eventually. But then they turn into burnouts, so I’m not so sure about being shit now.

Camille
What’s a burnout?

Tori
Something fun to do in a fast car. Also, a poor excuse of a man who can’t let go of his youth. Which wasn’t much in the first place.

Camille
What do they do?

Tori
You’ve seen them in bars. They’re the ones jamming with the house band on their air guitars and using–

Camille
And using the stools as drums! They’re fucking pathetic!

Tori
It’s even worse when they think you think they “still got it.” Hmm, getting old might be terrible.

Camille
Ah HA!

Tori
Easy, Cornflake Girl, I was half-joking.

Camille
Curses…

Tori
What’s your problem, or problems, with getting old?

Camille
Looking like shit. And parts of the world not being open to me anymore.

Tori
You know which women look like shit when they’re old?

Camille
I thought you said all old women look like shit.

Tori
No, I said that they’re treated as such. The women who live up to the dream are the ones who lived a hard life, or can’t let go. Like the burnouts.

Camille
A hard life? Like, chain gangs and stuff?

Tori
Like… “Woo, who wants to do shots off my ass and coke off my tits? Looky-looky, aren’t my tan lines the most, to say the least? I’m like a chocolate onion! Glee!”

Camille
Oh. Them.

Tori
Yeah. Them. I used to drink, but then I saw the horror it does in the long run, and I pretty much gave it up. I never felt drunk, anyway, so it wasn’t a big sacrifice.

Camille
Liver disease? Brain disease?

Tori
Those, and how it fucks up your skin and makes you bloated. Bar crawls aren’t that interesting when you think about that stuff. Besides, it’ll never get any better than in “World’s End.”

Camille
But, wrinkles and gray hair!

Tori
I don’t mind them. And I don’t live a life that encourages them, so I’m fine.

Camille
So you’re still worried about them.

Tori
I’m worried about having to pick up my face before drinking from a cup, but I don’t have to worry about that.

Camille
What about things that aren’t as available to you when you’re older?

Tori
What, like sex?

Camille
And other things.

Tori
Sex is great for two reasons. One, you have a lifetime of tricks to show off and your plumbing doesn’t work anymore, so you can have reckless abandon for any guy or gal willing to go on your ride. Two, the people looking to fuck an older woman REALLY wanna fuck an older woman. Do you know what that’s like? Being wanted AND knowing what to do?

Camille
No…

Tori
It’s fantastic.

Camille
But what about going places?

Tori
What places?

Camille
Places younger people go?

Tori
As long as you don’t come off as desperate, things are ok. I mean, I’m not suggesting being like those people you just wanna slap and say “Give it up!” But… You know that some places have that cool old guy or chick?

Camille
Yeah, they’re awesome.

Tori
You could be that cool old chick someday, Cornflake Girl.

Camille
I could? I could!

Tori
Now get me my prune juice.

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