Daily Dialogue: Spice Up Your Life!

Naomi
Are we really gonna listen to the Tank Girl soundtrack the entire way to the party?

Becca
Yessir! Puh-pow!

Naomi
How much more 90’s can you get than Lori Petty?

Becca
Check the glovebox.

Naomi
I don’t wanna.

Becca
Go on. Check it.

Naomi
…ho-lee shit.

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
How did you find this? Why did you find this?

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
I don’t know whether to hail you or feel sorry for you.

Becca
Yup.

Naomi
Stop saying “yup!”

Becca
‘Kay. But isn’t it awesome?

Naomi
It’s… It’s very it, Becca. It’s definitely very it.

Becca
You’re just jealous because you don’t have one.

Naomi
I’m fine with not having a Baby Spice doll.

Becca
What?

Naomi
I was more of a Sporty Spice girl.

Becca
You can get the fuck out of my car, heathen.

Naomi
Why? Sporty Spice was awesome. She was like their bodyguard. And she did that awesome song after they split up the first time.

Becca
She did music?

Naomi
Most of them did. Not everyone turned into David Beckham’s baby factory or Eddie Murphy’s mistress.

Becca
Wow. What songs did Baby Spice do?

Naomi
I told you, I was a Sporty Spice girl. You look up Emma Chisholm on your time.

Becca
I will. Oh yes, Precious, I will.

Naomi
I used to imagine being what I found out was kinda like a roadie for the Spice Girls.

Becca
“Kinda?”

Naomi
Yeah. I didn’t wanna do all the stage work or anything like that. I just wanted to hang out with them in hotel rooms.

Becca
With lots of room service?

Naomi
Nope. Just hanging. I think you turn here.

Becca
Whoops! Thanks. So, that’s kinda boring.

Naomi
I was 12, leave me alone.

Becca
Snore, snore, fart, snore.

Naomi
Ok, Madame Amazing. What did you wanna do with the Spice Girls?

Becca
Remember the video for “Spice Up Your Life?”

Naomi
When they were in a dystopic future, riding around in a mechanical zeppelin? Huh. Kinda reminds me of Blade Runner.

Becca
Yeah. That’s what I wanted to do with the Spice Girls.

Naomi
Be Blade Runner?

Becca
Heck yeah! How many more lights until I turn?

Naomi
Three.

Becca
Swell. Now put Baby Spice back in her hole before something happens to her and I have to bury a friend.

Naomi
Yessir. Wow, Spice Girls. I haven’t thought about them in forever.

Becca
Don’t get nostalgic on me. I hate nostalgia.

Naomi
Says the one with two relics from the 90’s in her car.

Becca
Hey. I always loved Tank Girl AND these songs. And I told myself to buy that doll again if I ever found it.

Naomi
“Again?” What happened to it the first time?

Becca
Rachel Martin.

Naomi
Uh… Who?

Becca
A bitch I knew in middle school who I hope has Space AIDS now.

Naomi
Space AIDS? How do you get Space AIDS?

Becca
You see Alien, Aliens, Alien3, or Alien Resurrection?

Naomi
You count Alien Resurrection?

Becca
Came in the box, so I gotta.

Naomi
Freddy’s Revenge came in the Nightmare on Elm St. box, but you don’t see me counting that.

Becca
I wouldn’t say that so close to Boystown.

Naomi
I don’t hate it because it’s a gay allegory. I hate it because it sucks.

Becca
Very poor choice of words. Anyway, you’re aware that the aliens in the Alien quadrilogy are sex metaphors, right?

Naomi
Yeah.

Becca
They took place in space, right?

Naomi
Sure.

Becca
Chestbursters are Space AIDS, and I hope Rachel Martin gets it. Do I take the on-ramp?

Naomi
No, keep straight. It’s the next one. What did Rachel do?

Becca
She cut my doll’s hair.

Naomi
Oh… Oh no.

Becca
Yeah.

Naomi
You don’t do that. Girls don’t do that.

Becca
See?

Naomi
Space AIDS. All in the chest.

Becca
Thankyouverymuch.

Naomi
Spice Girls or Backstreet Boys?

Becca
Unlike SOME women, I believe in solidarity in the sisterhood. Spice Girls for world domination.

Naomi
Backstreet Boys or N*Sync?

Becca
BSB.

Naomi
Really? Why?

Becca
The Call. That song is at the summit of my boy band mountain.

Naomi
Why that one?

Becca
Because I’m a whore for Spanish guitars. And it’s about a cheating man.

Naomi
Oh yeah, you were the one with the fetish for songs about that.

Becca
They’re awesome. And since I’ve got the gay, I can listen to such songs with diplomatic immunity. Ha ha. Ha ha. Hee.

Naomi
You know you’re gonna slip up someday and fall for a guy and he’s gonna be the personification of your song fetish.

Becca
Nope! The gay’s got me too good.

Naomi
Shane slept with a man once.

Becca
Leave The L Word out of this.

Naomi
Wasn’t it because of drinking or something? Gee, won’t there be drinking or something at the party?

Becca
I will NOT allow you to continue using The L Word for your blasphemy!

Naomi
Ok, ok… But she did do it.

Becca
NINETIES NINETIES NINETIES NINETIES!!

Naomi
I miss Salute Your Shorts.

Becca
I do, too.

Naomi
You miss Dina Alexander.

Becca
I do.

Naomi
You know you’d punch her in the face if you ever met her in real life because she’s too vapid.

Becca
Both fists. Puh-pow!

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