Daily Dialogue: (human) Eggs for Sale

Julia
Why don’t you get married?

Paulette
Ah, c’mon, I just got here and you’re gonna bust my nonexistent balls?

Julia
Women have ’em, they’re just inside and full of eggs.

Paulette
Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me.

Julia
What? That you have ovaries?

Paulette
No, that I have to check my email.

Julia
For your ovaries?

Paulette
For money from my ovaries. People pay fat dollar for eggs, as long as you’re super-healthy.

Julia
Is that why you’ve been eating lots of kale?

Paulette
Why I’ve been suffering through lots of kale? Yes. And I cut my first onion yesterday.

Julia
You’re almost 30 and you cut your first onion yesterday?

Paulette
I don’t have a diet that requires onions. But I came across a recipe that needed them and wanted to try it. I always heard that onions made people cry, but I thought they were weak.

Julia
You can say “pussies.” I don’t think the PC Police is lurking.

Paulette
Ok, I thought they were pussies.

Julia
Until yesterday?

Paulette
Until yesterday. It was like someone punched my nose REALLY hard, then started pulling it while sprinkling salt it my eyes.

Julia
You make it seem like you had your head inches away.

Paulette
Yeah…

Julia
Why the fuck was your head inches away from onions? That’s suicide!

Paulette
Yeah, I know that now. I’m never cutting onions again.

Julia
What kind of money do you make for selling eggs?

Paulette
A few thousand per.

Julia
What?!

Paulette
You have to be under such a microscope, though. I mean, I get it: they’re paying lots of money so they wanna make sure that they’re getting the good stuff.

Julia
Yeah, Grade-A eggs from the hen.

Paulette
Laugh all you want, but I’ll be laughing last on the way to the bank.

Julia
Hey, I was talking about me, too.

Paulette
You wanna sell yours?

Julia
Yeah, why not? A little extra money never hurt. Wait. Will it hurt?

Paulette
Dunno. Probably. Maybe? I imagine that they prick you with a needle through your tummy and take what they paid for.

Julia
Oh…

Paulette
C’mon, you go through worse monthly.

Julia
I know.

Paulette
And you spend money on that.

Julia
Not by choice. You know what sucks the most about it?

Paulette
Not knowing why you’re suddenly angry until a day later?

Julia
No.

Paulette
The blood?

Julia
Not quite.

Paulette
What then?

Julia
Feeling like I peed myself then, nope, Aunt Flo’s visiting.

Paulette
Yeah… Oh, we were talking about selling eggs.

Julia
Yeah.

Paulette
Isn’t it ironic how we’re helping people have babies yet neither of us want them?

Julia
If irony’ll pay the bills, I’ll take being an Alanis Morissette song.

Paulette
The irony of that song? It’s not ironic.

Julia
I was more of a Head Over Heels gal.

Paulette
Hating a man because you’re falling in love with him? Yeah, that’s so you.

Julia
I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault…

Paulette
Do you think our eggs are gonna grow up and look for us?

Julia
Why would they?

Paulette
Kids look for their sperm donor sometimes. Looking for their ovum donor isn’t so farfetched.

Julia
I hope not. What the fuck would they say to me?

Paulette
“Mommy, why didn’t you keep me in your ovary?”

Julia
That’s silly. Do sperm donors get that?

Paulette
No clue. “Daddy, why didn’t you cum in Mommy?” Maybe?

Julia
We can ask one.

Paulette
No thankyouverymuch.

Julia
How’d you come across that job?

Paulette
Classifieds, and lots of research. Don’t wanna end up in a tanker on the way to China to be the next kidnapped whore for a billionaire.

Julia
That still happens?

Paulette
Yup.

Julia
Wow. Thanks a lot, Coast Guard.

Paulette
It must be beyond terrible for women on those things.

Julia
Not just there, but where they end up.

Paulette
I know, but on the tanker, they must not know what’s going on. And boat rides take a long time. What if they find out in the middle of the ocean? And try to kill themself? Do you know what it’s like to wake up after you thought you committed suicide? Miserable doesn’t even come close.

Julia
You got over it, though.

Paulette
Yeah, but I didn’t have to look forward to a life of getting raped and beaten in the basement of a mansion.

Julia
Mansions have basements?

Paulette
Dunno. It’s the first place I thought of. I mean, you’re not gonna keep a woman you kidnapped in the regency room.

Julia
I would, because that’s the first time I heard of one. That means that no one else would.

Paulette
Other billionaires would, and they tend to hang out with each other.

Julia
Curses! Well, I guess I can’t have a– Why am I humoring this idea?

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