Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Preach the Gospel of Chaos

Harley
Hiya! Howdy! Hello! Guten tag!

Ivy
I think they get the point, Harley.

Harley
I wanna cover all my bases! We gots lots ta talk about and I wanna make sure that I can speak their language!

Ivy
You just kept scrolling through different ways to say “hi” in English. And German.

Harley
I’m not German, I’m Jewish.

Ivy
I know, but the last thing you said was German.

Harley
Since when?

Ivy
Since– Let’s get back to what you set out to do.

Harley
What YOU set out ta do. I was fine with stayin’ inside all day.

Ivy
With nature being so beautiful today? The sun’s out, my children are turning green and budding, and there’s no sign of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Harley
Then I said that the only way I’d do anythin’ is if we’d go door ta door and ask folk fer money. Since we’re being low-profile an’ all, an’ broke.

Ivy
Why did I agree again?

Harley
Because ya said that if ya got bored, ya could just talk to the trees or somethin’.

Ivy
Oh yeah. Wait, don’t make me look psychotic in front of the money people.

Harley
Next ta me? Pshaw!

Ivy
I have an ability that allows me to talk to flora, that’s all.

Harley
I stand corrected. I think ya might seem more psychotic than me. An’ I got pigtails!

Ivy
Just raise your money.

Harley
Rightee-o! Like my compatriot said, we’re raisin’ money fer a good cause.

Ivy
The best.

Harley
Chaos! We, as Agents of Chaos–

Ivy
You’re an Agent of Chaos. I’m just a victim of circumstance.

Harley
Aw, c’mon, Red. Nature is like the mother of chaos!

Ivy
How? Things are born, things live, and things die. Sounds pretty orderly.

Harley
But what about storms an’ stuff?

Ivy
Well…

Harley
An’ earthquakes? Nepal’s all one big chaos pit right now. An’ sinkholes, Red! How do you explain sinkholes? How?!

Ivy
Ok, ok, maybe nature is slightly chaotic.

Harley
Birth defects, albinos, the platypus…

Ivy
Ok.

Harley
Gravity wells, male nipples, the state of homelessness in America…

Ivy
Ok!

Harley
Antimatter, David Bowie, the clitoris…

Ivy
OK!! Nature is chaos!

Harley
Then yer an Agent of Chaos, too?

Ivy
I guess.

Harley
Yay! Ya get ta learn tha secret handshake!

Ivy
Maybe later.

Harley
No, now’s great! We can show them how ta do it so they already know when they become Agents!

Ivy
I guess it’s too late to talk to that birch over there.

Harley
Yup!

Ivy
Fine. What do I do?

Harley
Ya tilt yer head back, then point WAY up.

Ivy
Ok…

Harley
Then ya spin around ten times.

Ivy
What?

Harley
Then ya spin ar–

Ivy
Never mind. This is so stupid.

Harley
Chaotic! I’ll do it, too! An’ when yer done, ya try to shake my hand.

Ivy
You just made this up, didn’t you?

Harley
Nope! While I was thinkin’ about platypuses. Wow, this is hard.

Ivy
Ugh, no kidding.

Harley
Don’t spew! Don’t spew!

Ivy
I’m mostly plant, I don’t eat.

Harley
I meant– BLARGH!!

Ivy
You missed me and the other one. Good job.

Harley
I -spit- try.

Ivy
I guess I should talk about chaos while she regains her composure. I’ve only been an Agent of Chaos for a few minutes, so I don’t know what to talk about. She did say that nature was chaos. I could talk about that. About the “island” of plastic garbage floating in an ocean because you humans are so careless that you’ll taint one of Earth’s most sacred places. About the fields being burned and cleared for palm trees that are spewing dangerous levels of carbon in the atmosphere that will surely ruin you for decades. About–

Harley
Hey, I’m back! Whatcha talkin’ about?

Ivy
Chaos.

Harley
Yer not doin’ a good job, Red. Yer scarin’ them.

Ivy
Chaos can be a scary thing, Harley. Damnable, even.

Harley
It can also be fun! Remember fun?

Ivy
Vaguely. This walk isn’t turning out how I intended.

Harley
What were ya expectin’? I told ya we’d be preachin’.

Ivy
I dunno, you to be a preacher?

Harley
Oh. Well, lemme tell ya somethin’, Red!

Ivy
Yeah?

Harley
I have-ah SEEN-AH the Chaos Land-ah!

Ivy
Preach it, girl, preach it!

Harley
I have-ah TASTED-AH from the Chaos Fruit-ah!

Ivy
Fill me, girl, fill me!

Harley
Do ya wanna be touched-ah?

Ivy
Yes!

Harley
I SAY-AH, do ya wanna be TOUCHED-AH?!

Ivy
Oh, Chaos, yes!

Harley
Then lemme HEAR ya!

Ivy
TESTIFY!

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