Daily Dialogue: Youth is for the Stupid

Imelda
How do you feel about getting old?

Lindsay
A lot better than growing up.

Imelda
Really?

Lindsay
Yeah.

Imelda
That’s weird. Why?

Lindsay
I fucking hate teenagers.

Imelda
Heh.

Lindsay
And growing up meant that at one point, I had to be a teenager.

Imelda
Oh, agony.

Lindsay
Do you wanna be a teenager again?

Imelda
Fuck and no.

Lindsay
Circle gets the square.

Imelda
I always thought it was funny and a little pathetic whenever someone says that high school was the best time of their life.

Lindsay
Do you come across those poor, unfortunate souls often?

Imelda
Only when I stay too long at a bar on a Tuesday night.

Lindsay
Who goes to a bar on Tuesdays?

Imelda
Me, and burnouts.

Lindsay
I think you know what I–

Imelda
Half-price margaritas.

Lindsay
Half-price margaritas and you’re just telling me this now? Scandal!

Imelda
I don’t wanna submerge you in the ashes of all those lost lives, though.

Lindsay
At three bucks a pop, I’ll be happy to submerge anywhere with a margarita in my hand. Of course, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

Imelda
Actions?

Lindsay
Reminding those guys–

Imelda
And gals.

Lindsay
Do they still dress like they’re fifteen? With a beer gut spilling outta their belly shirt? Oh, please tell me this is true.

Imelda
You’ll see, I suppose.

Lindsay
Joygasm! Wait.

Imelda
Hmm?

Lindsay
Why did you ask about getting old?

Imelda
Oh, that.

Lindsay
Yeah, that.

Imelda
I was just thinking about life and–

Lindsay
Do I need to remind you of the teachings of Eugene Lutz? There were never any good ol’ days.

Imelda
They are today, they are tomorrow.

Lindsay and Imelda
It’s a stupid thing we do, cursing tomorrow with sorrow.

Imelda
Good song. And no, you didn’t need to remind me.

Lindsay
Why were you looking backwards, then?

Imelda
I wouldn’t say I was looking back so much as I was looking around.

Lindsay
Thinking of getting surgery?

Imelda
No, not at all.

Lindsay
Good, because I’d have to kill you. Or at least talk you outta it. I’ve margaritas on my mind, I haven’t decided yet.

Imelda
Have you ever thought of surgery?

Lindsay
Once.

Imelda
Really? You?

Lindsay
Don’t let the wall of self-confidence I’ve built my life trick you, there are cracks.

Imelda
What kind of surgery?

Lindsay
A sort of labiaplasty.

Imelda
Huh?

Lindsay
It’s a vaginal procedure.

Imelda
Huh?

Lindsay
My pussy lips are longer than they should be.

Imelda
You have a meat curtain.

Lindsay
Proudly.

Imelda
Proudly? Really? How long did that take?

Lindsay
I’d say about half my life.

Imelda
How… much is there?

Lindsay
Not only is there about an inch more, but one side’s a little longer than the other.

Imelda
Genetics had it out for you in the womb.

Lindsay
I was a stupid teenager.

Imelda
Oh yeah?

Lindsay
I thought that I… Ugh, I was SO STUPID!

Imelda
Heh, don’t worry. I won’t judge.

Lindsay
Much.

Imelda
Heh, much.

Lindsay
I was really worried because I just found porn and there are LOTS of vag close-ups.

Imelda
I never understood that, really. I mean, that’s where all the action is, but I’ve never focused on a cock. Unless it was in my mouth.

Lindsay
We could ask the burnouts. Anywho… Sad, weak, pathetic little me thought that it’d be a FANTASTIC idea to try snipping my lips smaller with a pair of scissors.

Imelda
You didn’t.

Lindsay
I got close.

Imelda
How close?

Lindsay
I felt the blade.

Imelda
NOOOOOOOOO!!

Lindsay
It’s ok, I didn’t draw blood. It just hurt A LOT for a minute or two.

Imelda
Did you get a tetanus shot?

Lindsay
Yeah. I was really gonna go to the hospital and explain why I need a tetanus shot.

Imelda
But you might’ve gotten rabies!

Lindsay
If you asked the guys I’ve been with, they’d say that I have it.

Imelda
Huh?

Lindsay
Because I’m so rabid in the sack?

Imelda
Ah.

Lindsay
Still wanna talk about getting old?

Imelda
No, after just hearing about the stupidity of youth–

Lindsay
Hey!

Imelda
Sorry, Miss Scissorcunt.

Lindsay
HEY! Ok, that was actually a good one.

Imelda
Groovy. That means that you buy the first round.

Lindsay
What do you mean?

Imelda
It’s Tuesday.

Lindsay
Burnout paradise!

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