Daily Dialogue: Waiting for the Man

Mercedes
I’m bored, let’s go somewhere.

Amanda
Can’t. Waiting for a package.

Mercedes
Leave a note for the delivery dude to put it behind your garbage can or something.

Amanda
It’s a TV.

Mercedes
Who orders a TV by mail?

Amanda
A broad who doesn’t wanna pay an extra three hundred bucks at the store down the street.

Mercedes
Haven’t you heard of price-matching?

Amanda
The owner wouldn’t haggle for shit.

Mercedes
Aren’t there other stores around here?

Amanda
Yeah, and the prices keep climbing.

Mercedes
No haggling?

Amanda
None.

Mercedes
Don’t they realize that this is a buyer’s market?

Amanda
I also didn’t wanna deal with traffic.

Mercedes
What traffic?

Amanda
You’re a shut-in, so you wouldn’t understand that–

Mercedes
Hey, hey, I’m not a shut-in. I’m just broke.

Amanda
Well, you haven’t set foot outside in a week, so you don’t know that it’s construction season.

Mercedes
Fuck no, no construction season! That takes forever!

Amanda
It does.

Mercedes
The lanes go to shit and every time I’m on the road, EVERY TIME I’M ON THE FUCKING ROAD, no one’s working. Day, night, even bufu hours of the morn.

Amanda
Bufu?

Mercedes
Butt-fucking.

Amanda
I didn’t know there was a time of day deigned for ass play.

Mercedes
There isn’t, it’s just a– Construction’s stupid, ok?

Amanda
And lazier.

Mercedes
How can it get lazier?

Amanda
Only half the street’s repaved in certain parts.

Mercedes
It’s always been like that, though. They work on one side, then move to the other, making my life miserable.

Amanda
No, not like that. The street’s are paved, but they’re only half as high now.

Mercedes
The hell you say?

Amanda
There’s the street, then inches above are manholes. It’s like driving over dead bodies. Which is kinda cool. Shh.

Mercedes
Aren’t those like, I dunno, road hazards? Are you sure they’re not halfway finished?

Amanda
Stripes are painted, signs are taken away.

Mercedes
I’m glad I’m broke now.

Amanda
I’m not, because that means I’m buying food tonight.

Mercedes
But you get to watch stuff on a new TV. I still wanna go out, though.

Amanda
So go out. Plenty of things for a broke chick to do. You can’t afford to drive, so you don’t have to suffer the roads.

Mercedes
I’m not going on another nature hike.

Amanda
Why not? They’re fun.

Mercedes
The first time I went, I was a feast for the mosquitoes.

Amanda
Only the female ones.

Mercedes
Huh?

Amanda
Females are the only ones that suck blood.

Mercedes
What the fuck, Nature? Women get blamed for so much in this world. You don’t have to prove the idiots right sometimes.

Amanda
Yeah, it sucks. Heh.

Mercedes
The SECOND time I went on a nature hike, a deer exploded on me.

Amanda
You never explained how that happened.

Mercedes
It was hot and I was walking–

Amanda
Walking during a nature hike?

Mercedes
Walking during a nature hike. Then I saw a deer lying on the grass. With a fucking HUGE belly. I thought it was gonna give birth, so I snuck closer. It was dead and by the time I realized it, the heat got too much for its bloated stomach and burst all over me. I threw up all the way to the river that was close by and dove in. My clothes wouldn’t get clean enough, so I left them and had a brisk career as a streaker on the way back to my car. A mosquito got me near my snatch, but I’m SO glad that it wasn’t ON my snatch because that would’ve been terrible.

Amanda
I never liked birth scenes. They were always boring.

Mercedes
Thanks for being supportive.

Amanda
What? You survived and were lucky enough to not have to deal with a bite during your record-scratching routine. Even birth allegories bored me.

Mercedes
You didn’t like the Chestburster scene in Alien?

Amanda
It was boring. If it just burst out and ran off, I would’ve been more terrified. Because what does that?

Mercedes
So… You could buy an alien bursting out of someone’s chest, but said alien building strength is absurd?

Amanda
I’m gonna pull the “women don’t make sense” card and–

Mercedes
Can’t. Burned it when you tried to convince me that dogs can’t look up.

Amanda
But it’s true! If you would’ve bought the dog, you would’ve seen that I was right.

Mercedes
I’m perpetually broke.

Amanda
What do you spend your dough on, anyway?

Mercedes
Investment opportunities.

Amanda
Stocks? Didn’t Wolf of Wall Street teach you anything?

Mercedes
What’s that?

Amanda
“What’s that?!” Thank you.

Mercedes
No problemo. For what?

Amanda
For telling me how to break in my TV when it gets here. You and I are gonna watch the Caligula of the 21st century

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One Response to “Daily Dialogue: Waiting for the Man”

  1. the part about the deer exploding was disgusting but the observations about road work (especially the manhole covers) is on point. 🙂

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